Written by Inchcock
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Saturday, 31 July 2010

image for Workplace Horoscopes It's all written in the Stars

ASTROLOGY: Tells us about you and your future simply by your birthday. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of your birth. Demographics tell us what you like, dislike, whom you vote for, what you buy, and what you watch on TV. Well, the Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by your job title, people will have you all figured out...

MARKETING: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socialising, which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales. your ability to carry on without knowing what your actually doing is your strongest quality.

SALES: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree," you are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with "customers" so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game, new shoes, and conning ability throughout your life.

TECHNOLOGY: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying, but who the hell can tell?! It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

ENGINEERING: One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that ninety percent of all personal ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself: your office is typically full of all the latest "ergo-dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel"...

ACCOUNTING: The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organisation; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane. Your good memory covers for your lack of actual intelligence.

SECURITY OFFICER: Obviously you have failed in all the real jobs you have tried to get or carry out. Your capacity for sleeping, nodding off, and lack of concentration cannot be challenged by any other sign. Your lack of communicational abilities is renown throughout the free world. Your most suitable pet would be a sloth. The lack of respect shown to you, still surprises you.

HUMAN RESOURCES: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organisation. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, paint your nails, and mail a letter!
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MIDDLE MANAGEMENT/DEPARTMENT MANAGEMENT/"TEAM LEADS": Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

SENIOR MANAGEMENT: Bitchy, cut-throat, yet completely lacking in people management skills, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Senior Managers," as everyone in your social circle is a "Senior Manager." More often than not you are in a childless marriage, due mainly to your abhorrence of anything cleverer, and more logical than you are.

CUSTOMER SERVICE: Bright, cheery, positive, you not a mile away from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your boss.

PLUMBER: You will probably earn more than the Prime Minister or President in your lifetime. You pick and choose your clients according to the easiest ones to make money out of, and are rude even to them you respond to. Heaven awaits you, do not expect to get passed St Peters' gates though!

POLITICIANS: You are arrogant, cheating, fiddling, nepotistic, over-paid, nasty, cunning, lying, pitiless, cruel, rude, ruthless, sadistic, truculent, hurtful, inclement, intemperate, merciless, offensive, poignant, ruthless, unpalatable, unpleasant, vexatious, uncivil, back-biting, bent, bluffing, cheating, corrupt, crafty, crooked, cunning, deceitful, deceiving, deceptive, designing, disreputable, double-crossing, double-dealing, elusive, false, fraudulent, guileful, hoodwinking, mendacious, misleading, perfidious, recreant, shady, shifty, sinister, slippery, sneaking, sneaky, swindling, traitorous, treacherous, tricky, two-faced, two-timing, unctuous, underhanded, unfair, unprincipled, unscrupulous, untrustworthy, villainous, wily, greedy, and sordid, and these are your good points! Being the slimiest of the slimy is something that you cannot really help, your predecessors started it when they made the three types of rule and law: 1) Law for politicians - 2) Law for the rich - 3) Law for the other scum.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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