Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 26 July 2010

image for The Annals of Anal Cheese Remediation Yes, we can smell it from here. You need a little Hammond No Cheese.

Long thought to be scientific territory that could not be crossed or mastered, much like proving the existence of Quarks and Gluons, or confirming the delivery of more than two contiguous orgasms to Margaret Thatcher, Sir Lynton of Leicester has crossed that chasm with a chemical compound that eliminates the existence and associated smells of anal and ball sack cheese.

Working with a small team of dedicated biologists and chemists, Sir Lynton had toiled for years testing the combination of natural chemicals and organic compounds with the singular purpose of eliminating the vile material and odors from one's nether regions. "The inspiration for the project came in 1989 on a long flight between London and New Zealand. Clearly my middle seat neighbor hadn't showered before the flight or effectively cleansed or even wiped his privates", says Sir Lynton. "The affect on our little microcosm in row 23 was quite foreboding, as if the man was rotting, literally. He smelled like a dead Bear carcass mixed with sulfur gas".

Telling his story to the Department for Environment, Food & Rural Affairs (Defra), Sir Lynton won a significant grant to research the causes of and develop a treatment program for anal and ball sack cheese remediation. After 20 years of tireless effort, working nearly 18 hours a day, only taking time off for Sunday services or a Saturday evening wank, Sir Lynton announced a true cure for this dreaded affliction just last year.

"I knew we were onto something once we started using a base of minced garlic and onions", said Lynton. "The natural oils and acids in that blend tens to kill just about every other bacteria or smell. Of course then you have to deal with the smell of garlic and onions."

Sir Lynton's team focused on the garlic-onion paste as the remediation, but then worked to find an offsetting compound that would eliminate those odors. One of Sir Lynton's top researchers, Dr. Terrence Hammond describes several failed tests. "Actually, we found that natural honey produces from Edelweiss Flowers was the perfect counterbalance to the garlic-onion paste, but as you can imagine, the adhesive qualities of that treatment were not too pleasant. That plus our test subjects were constantly attacked by ants when out of doors". Sir Lynton admits trying that test on himself. "I thought I had enough trouble with my berry pouch sticking to the sides of my legs on its own, but truly painful to walk I must tell you, with the garlic-onion-honey compound."

Months went by without another successful test until a nearly fatal accident in the laboratory. Dr. Hammond tells the story; "We were running another trial, and lathering the garlic-onion paste on one test subject. I remember he was quite erect, which made the application of the compound between his legs all the easier. Then, quite by accident, I knocked over a bottle of alcohol we use to fuel our Bunsen burners on the same test subject and his genitals burst in flames. The only thing nearby to quench the fire was a freshly squeezed beaker of Pomegranate juice, and that put out the flames."

When the incident was over and the erection had clearly dissipated, Hammond noticed that the anal cheese smell was completely destroyed. Further tests showed how the proper blend of garlic, onion, alcohol and Pomegranate juice was the answer.

Sir Lynton announced his findings at a press conference six months ago, while marketing teams had been busy selling the new miracle formula. Though expectations were high in the men's personal hygiene market, actual sales, in a word, have been "flat". Men's personal care product industry analyst, Kim Grasper-Furmley says that the lack of product success probably has more to do with men's personal preferences. "Have you ever seen a man scratch themselves down there?" asks Grasper-Furmley. "They will smell their fingers and smile about 87% of the time. They love the way that stuff smells. It's grotesque actually. That, plus the product tends to stain everything bright red."

Undeterred, Sir Lynton plans to take his product to America where the women seem to be hyper sensitive to the way a man is supposed to smell, especially in California where everything, especially private areas, must be perfumed. He plans to add a touch of mint oil to the formula and market the compound as a special treatment shower gel. Graciously giving credit to the man on his team who accidentally discovered the workable compound, the new shower gel will be called "Hammond No Cheese".

Sir Lynton of Leicester, formerly Knighted by the Queen for his breakthrough development of an affordable douche for prostitutes, will go down in history as a man dedicated to the freshening of genitals and anal cavities. Sir Lynton, a national treasure and gifted genital treatment pioneer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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