1) Make a child that's sitting on your back cry by braying as loudly as possible.
2) Make a child sitting on your back laugh by taking a dump on the feet of its parent.
3) Befriend a racehorse (preferably famous) and not just in the platonic sense.
4) Look permanently miserable even when you're not.
5) Parasail in Russia
6) Appear in a pornographic film
7) Visit Blackpool
8) Visit Scarborough
9) Visit Weston Super Mare
10) Carry an old man up a steep mountain.
11) Let an old man beat you with a stick to make you go faster
12) Throw old man off your back into a big pile of steaming donkey crap
13) Carry objects that are twice the size of you up a steep mountain - for example a grand piano or a small four door family hatchback.
14) Take Prozac
15) Spend a relaxing vacation in a Donkey Sanctuary
16) Prove that you really are hung like a donkey particularly in the presence of kids and embarrassed parents.
17) Don't go to Italy - They'll probably eat you
18) And avoid Spain too because they're also partial to wanting to stick you between 2 pieces of bread washed down with a drop of Sangria.
19) Bungee jump in Russia
20) Attract flies simply by standing still all day in a pile of your own crap
21) Bite a human - the younger, the more satisfying the reaction
22) Have no strings attached sex with a mule - they're sterile so no worries about having to cough up child maintenance a few months later.
23) Appear in a national newspaper looking sorry for yourself.
24) Avoid becoming a tin of Pedigree Chum
25) Skydive in Russia - without a parachute