Written by Lady Godiva
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Thursday, 22 July 2010

image for The Education System in England as seen through the eyes of Takwana and Anitakapita of Middlesbrough

Our reporter, Lady G. met with two of her favourite 'characters' earlier this week, Takwana Smith and Anitakapita Jones, both of Cargo Fleet, Middlesbrough, N.E. England.

They met up at the girls' favourite restaurant, Morrisons' Berwick Hills Branch.

"My treat," said Lady G. as the three of them stood in line waiting to order.

"Ee! Ta very much Lady G. A think arl just 'ave the chicken korma. A like a good Indian don' A Anitakapita?"

"Yeh she does. She gets i' all the tarm. Arl 'ave the all day brekkie if that's awrigh'," said Anitakapita.

Lady G. placed the order and added hers......chicken korma,.
The ladies got their receipts, placed them on their trays and walked along the line to get their coffees and pick up their number, whilst Lady G. paid for the meals.

Takwana led the way to a table for four, near the window, placed the card, holding the number, into the 'holder' in the centre of the table and the trio sat down.

"Well Lady G. Wo' can we do yer for t'day?" asked Takwana.

Lady G. emptied a packet of sugar into her coffee and, whilst gently stirring it she answered,

"I'm not sure if you've heard about the lastest news out of the Ministry of Education, but that's what I came to ask you about....your opinions on the Ministry of Education lowering standards for exams and so on, so that more people are able to 'pass'."

"Well, meself," began Anitakapita, "A think it's bleeding disgustin' coz then tha' means tha' me an' Takwana cud 'ave mos' likely passed our GCSE's innit? We cud a' gon' to Uni. and been teachers or nerses like, ye know worra mean.
Ded cruel is tha'. Cudda been lernin' them kids te read an' tork proper like."

"Yeh, stinks it does, bleedin' Ministry of Education...Ministry of bleedin' nowt if yer ask me'' , Takwana interjected, "
So they're gonna lower i' like, an' more people'll pass the exams and then wo'? Ge' ded gud jobs?
I 'erd meself like, tha' they're doin' it coz they're no' sellin' so many school books an' there's no' so many goin' to Uni. these days.

It's all freakin' money wi' them innit like? Ow's tha' s'pose te meck us feel?'

Anitakapita followed with,

"Well our lad's ded mad coz e' always fancied bein' a copper like. 'Elping the public and 'is frends. 'E'd've been a dedgud copper coz 'e knows mosta the druggies 'round 'ere an' other stuff.

Bu' 'e didn't pass 'is exams so 'e 'ad to go on the dole like."

Two of the dinners arrived. One korma and one 'all day breakfast'. Takwana told Lady G. to take the korma and she'd wait for hers figuring it wouldn't be a long wait.

Anitakapita and Lady G. began to eat whilst Takwana waiting....and waited....and waited. Eventually, as the others had almost finished their meals, Takwana's impatience began to show.

"Oy you, you in the uniform. Yes YOU! Where's me bleeding korma? Arv been sitting 'ere for bloody ages....look...they've nearly finished theirs. Me bleedin' stomach thinks me throat's cut."

The young woman apologized and, having ascertained what Takwana had ordered, trotted off to the kitchen.

"Freaking stoopid tha' innit?" commented Takwana.

After about five minutes the young woman returned with Takwana's meal. Takwana stuck her fork into the meat and said,

"Well f**k me..oops pardon me French...it's bloody frozen in the middle. Ey! Oy! Oy! Come back 'ere.........go an' stick this back in the bloody microwave...it's still bloody frozen."

Eventually the meal was returned and Takwana settled down to eat.

Anitakapita continued to let off steam about the Government,

"Never mind the bleedin' Ministry of Ed. wo' abou' tha' new tax they're torkin' abou' pu'in' on 'ouses wo' don' 'ave proper stuff in the walls to keep the 'eat in. If we can' afford te keep the 'eat in the bloody 'ouse, 'ow do they think we can afford te pay the bloody tax like? Inver'ebrates, the lorra them if yer ask me like."

Lady G. told Anitakapita that she did indeed have a point and she'd be returning soon to get their 'take' on that. very soon. She stoo up to leave.


"Oh, yer goin' now? Tara then luv. Look after yerself," smiled Anitakapita.

"Tara Lady G. Ta for dinner eh? Laters!"

Lady G. smiled at the pair and headed out to the car park.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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