Written by Captain Dopey

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Thursday, 17 November 2005

A recent preliminary research report has been published by a Consortium of European Academic Institutes which claims to prove that the remains of a random selection of corpses at military cemeteries across Europe have literally been found to have ”turned in their graves”. This astonishing claim is purported to result from recorded information about recent military and political events being relayed to the souls of the deceased individuals using newly developed VHF radio-neurological techniques.

The 3.2 Million Euro research project was jointly funded by the European Commission and the Paris based Institution for Peace Studies and commenced in December 2002. It is due to present it’s findings officially in December of this year.

Recordings of speeches made by various members of the US and UK administrations justifying the recent military actions in Iraq, together with statements made regarding other ”axis-of-evil” nations were converted into high resolution digital radio pulses (“jocularly described as “soul rays” by one member of the team) , which researchers at the Universities of Puisson sur Fousse in France and Ausberg zur der Fug in Germany have apparently developed over recent years during medical experiments aimed at reviving coma patients. These pulses are claimed to be able to regenerate activity within fossilized neural systems in order to allow ”special monitors” to record patterns of thought frozen into the brain and allow ”projective hypothetical reactions” to be developed, resulting from these residual electro-neurological signatures (can this be right? Ed. Comm).

Painstaking archaeological uncovering of 47 corpses was carried out over the initial year of the project with the full permission of the majority of the descendants of the individuals concerned and the War Graves Commissions concerned. Locations selected included the Paaschendaele, Arnhem, Kiev and Ypres war cemeteries but also one French cemetery in Vietnam from the 1950’s. After measurement of skeletal positions and 3-D high resolution determination of main limb angles, the subjects were then returned to their original burial state. The information pulses were applied over a one week period 6 months after reburial and the process of remeasurement appeared to show that on average 72% of sampled subjects showed a rotation downwards of on average14.6 degrees and in three cases complete reversal.

Subject matter “beamed” to the souls included speeches by George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Tony Blair, Geoffrey Hoon (only 14 seconds due to lack of suitable data) and Wolfowitz/Golding (“this is the 4th World War”) together with impartial factual information about the conflict relayed via synthetic impartial voice recordings. This factual information included details of the number of hydrocarbon fuelled automobiles currently in existence in Western Europe and the US and projected increases over the next 20 years, broad details of the geographical spread of currently proven global hydrocarbon reserves, an objective view of the search for alternatives over the last 20 years and the current state of affairs in the Middle East.

Mr.Pierre de la Fouchard, leader of the French contingent of the research team, stated to Le Monde last week that in his opinion this provided clear proof that former soldiers who had died for freedom in military actions seen by most to be necessary in a “Fight Against Evil” had indeed “turned in their graves” upon knowing what was now occurring in the name of freedom and upon receiving an appreciation of the nature and character of the leaders responsible for these actions and their motives for doing so.

The oldest survivors of the Battles of the Somme and Stalingrad, Mr. Tommy Brinson of Birmingham, England (Private 22nd Rifles) and Fritz Shoenhauser of Dusseldorf (Obersturmbahnfuhrer Iron Cross Oak Leaf Clusters Stalingrad) aged 104 and 95 respectively, said today that they were unsurprised by the apparent reactions of those who may have been former comrades. Mr. Brinson went on to say that he thought the Iraq situation “sounded a bit odd what did they do to our lot?”…Herr Schoenhauser diplomatically stated in fluent Polish, but with a slight facial twitch, that he was sure the situation was “complicated” but that unwarranted invasion of countries where no imminent aggression was apparent was “probably not a great move in the long run”.

Neither US or UK government officials were unavailable for comment today on the research findings, although sources close to high ranking US Govt. Representatives suggested that perhaps the techniques used were ”unproven” and that there could be a degree of bias in the research aims.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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