Written by Lady Godiva
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Thursday, 15 July 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - Newby Women's Institute Members posing 'nude' for a 2011 Calendar From the portfolio of Newby photographer Mr. I.R. Don

News has reached us from the Isle of Wight that the twelve members of The Newby Women's Institute are to be posing for a 2011 Calendar IN THE NUDE.

Members are aged from 25 (Cindy Codswallop) to 83 (Gladys Codswallop - Cindy's gran).

The women are said to be very excited as it is to be the first time any of them will have posed nude, since they were babies.

Asked if they were nervous at all, Gladys said,

"Wo'? Me? Wo'? No no' me. Arm lookin' forrad to i' .A do think A needs te be losing a coupla stone tho' an' a think I 'ave the time before the snaps are taken."

Emily Shufflebottom (56) said, "If tha' 'Elen Mirren woman can do i' then why shunt we like? She's no spring roll is she?"

Cindy interrupted, "Yer mean spring chicken ..."

"A know wo' I mean you cheeky bugger. Just coz you go' a GECS in English, think yer better than most."

"It's no' a GECS," Cindy countered, but quickly shut up when Emily came towards her with a menacing look on her face and swinging her best imitation leather handbag.

"Now, now ladies, calm down. Whatever will the newspaper people be thinking about us here in Newby?" said the President of the Institute, Beverly Page, local librarian and postwoman, in a sickly syrupy voice, much like those teachers in Infant Schools use when speaking to their pupils, especially those who wear pastel coloured, Marks & Spencers twin sets, wear 'sensible shoes' and refer to themself in the 'third' person.

"Sorry about that," Beverly continued, speaking in her very best sickly sweet, syrupy 'Infant teacher-style' voice, "they're a little over-excited about the calendar shoot. We had a little fracas with those two last Sunday-week. Handbags at dawn, dontcha know! Arguing over something or nothing again.

There's been friction between them ever since Cindy's gran told Cindy that Emily was her real mother by a ginger, one-eyed window-cleaner from Ryde, Don Seewell, who took off and joined the Foreign Legion when he found out he was going to be a dad. You see, he's a gay and his boyfriend was really upset. He was even MORE upset, apparently, when Don joined the Foreign Legion.

Cindy had always thought that her mother was a 'prostitute who had run away with gypsies a few days after she was born'. She was right shocked when she eventually found out her mam had been living next-door to her all her life.

Now you won't be putting any of this in your article will you dear?

This is a respectful little village. We wouldn't be wanting any scandals.

We've already had a problem with our last vicar. You may have read about it. He had his wicked way with his loofa and was caught in the act by little Billy Murray. You can read about the incident in past copies of The Isle of Wight news.

We wanted shot of that vicar anyway. Pain in the arse he was. Oops! Pardon my French".

The conversation returned to the upcoming calendar.

Ivan R. Don, local photographer, has offered to take the photographs for free. He says the 'shoot' might last a week or even longer because none of the women are professional models and he'll probably need to take quite a few rolls of film in order to have plenty of photos to choose from.

He did whisper to our reporter, off the record, that he WILL be taking most of the photographs of the naked members of The Newby Women's Instutute with an empty camera. He said that he didn't really want to waste film whilst the women were getting 'used to posing'.

He said that he'll let the women choose the BEST shot of themselves for the calendar, then he'll sell the leftovers on the internet. The Women's Institute members will get 50% of proceeds.

ALL proceeds from the sale of the calendar will go towards paying for Gerry Ugthorp's legal fees.

Gerry was recently found 'not guilty' of being an accessory in the recent theft of a treasured shovel in a nearby town.

The whole village is excited about the 2011 calendar and pre-sales are already up into double figures - 15.

Susan Boyle has been invited to a special 'party' to launch the calendar when it becomes available to the general public. She is reported to have said,

"Och I'm right proud and 'onoured to be invited to the 'launch party'. A think it's reat great that these women want to do something 'special' at their age - well 'ages'. Look wo' A did meself.

Yer never tae old te folla yer dreams. A wish 'em all well. I'll be buying a copy of the wee calendar when it comes oot and A will be ge'ing all the wee lassies tae sign it for me."

More as we get it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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