Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 14 July 2010

image for Letters To The Editor - From Fictional American TV Characters Hooray For Hollywood!

Sir,

I was a rich TV star way back in the 1960's, and let me tell you, it weren't all that diff'rent to what them folks go through today. Why, even back then, I done had me a stalker. Her name wus Miz Hathaway, and she worked to the bank. And she was as pug ugly as a bloodhound with a spinnin' cactus plant stuck up his ass. Mostly had fun doin' it - but Ellie May would not gosh durn it put out. She waren't my real sister. Guess you could say it wuz a missed opportunity.

Jethro Bodine, of The Beverly Hillbillies.

Sir,

I worked on TV in the 1970's and enjoyed great success, but I quickly became disillusioned. I didn't have a problem with drink or drugs, and I didn't have any baggage, but when the producers told me that I couldn't suck on a lollipop and say, "Who loves ya baby" - it was just the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. So I quit and told 'em to stick the job. It didn't help that my brother George got fatter in every episode, or that Crocker was cooler than I was. It just wasn't worth the hassle.

Lieutenant Theo Kojak, Manhattan South.

Sir,

I agree with Kojak. I was in a Hollywood TV show for years, and a few movies, but nobody seemed to be remotely interested in letting me express myself. Okay, I can't talk, but I can sign. Sadly, they wouldn't hear of it. I felt squeezed out, so I resigned in protest and went to work in a massage parlour instead. That was cool. They all respected me there.

Thing, of The Addams Family.

Sir,

I have to disagree with the previous letter. I too worked on the Addams Family, and the director often allowed me to speak. Even though nobody had the faintest clue what I was saying. I think Thing is just embittered. Although, I could never see where I was going because of all the hair.

Cousin It, of the Addams Family.

Sir,

I worked in Hollywood too, and let me tell you that speaking parts in TV shows weren't all that glamorous. I had a whole bunch of lines in every episode I filmed, but it didn't stop me ending up at the soap factory.

Mr Ed, of Mr Ed.

Sir,

I don't get all this negativity. I was, and still am the coolest cat ever to grace Hollywood. I'm timeless, I'm a legend baby! Oh puh-leeze! You're too kind. These other letter writers - they ain't got no class. And no Brains, Benny or Chooch. And as for Dibble - forget it buddy!

TC, of Top Cat. (AKA Boss Cat)

Sir,

I think the previous letter writers are looking at the world through rose tinted spectacles. My experience of the Hollywood TV industry was horrible. I was married to a slob for years, and no matter how hard I tried, he was always more interested in bowling and hanging out with his buddy Barney than he was in me. What the jerk still doesn't know is that I've been sleeping with Barney for years. And Betty. I may look squeaky clean, but I can be a little wild sometimes.

Wilma Flintstone, Bedrock.

Sir,

Oh my oh my. That's just shocking. Mind you, I've been fucking Ned Flanders for twenty years now, and nobody ever figured it out.

Marge Simpson, Springfield.

Do you know any disgruntled worn out celebrities? Ask them to write to us. We're running out of toilet tissue.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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