Written by Skoob1999
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Wednesday, 14 July 2010

image for Letters To The Editor - From Fictional British TV Characters It's Amazing What The Dirty Old Buggers Remember.

Sir

Whatever happened to reflective shop windows? I used to have oodles of fun with them. I'd sort of position myself in a certain way, and then stretch out an arm and a leg, and the semi-reflection made it look as if I was a star shaped, levitating human person. Or something. You don't see them any more. Shame about that. It was really funny.

Harry Worth, Wembley.

Sir

I for one don't understand what all the fuss is about cop shows 'Ashes To Ashes' and 'Life On Mars.' We did all that stuff ages ago, in the 70's. It was great fun tearing around the Isle Of Dogs in a souped up Jag, screaming "You're nicked my son!" at the villains and then giving them a bloody good hiding. Ah, those were the days, when everybody smoked like chimneys and being pissed at work was the norm.

Jack Regan, Off The Sweeney.

Sir

I agree with what Jack just said. It was much more relaxed in the 70's. These days everybody seems mad for it on going green and eating organic food - but the wife and I were doing it years ago. I packed the 9 to 5 in and we went self sufficient. My neighbour's wife could be a bit snooty about it, but she gave a cracking blow job while Jerry was at work and Barbara was mucking the pigs out.

Tom Goode, Out Of The Goode Life.

Sir,

I have to throw my hat in with Tom here. I used to share a flat with two reasonably attractive birds, but they were both as tight as arseholes when it came to a quick shag. However, Mildred, my landlady (George's wife) also gave a cracking blow job while George was out polishing his motorbike and sidecar!

Robin Tripp, Out Of Man About The House.

Sir,

I don't agree with any of these letters; the 80's were by far the best. I had a whale of a time with my mate Terry and I was proper coining it. Shame her indoors put her foot down. We had some right old knees ups down the Winchester.

Arthur Daley, Out Of Minder.

Sir,

The 80's were a load of old pony. In them days I used to flog stuff down the market out of a case and drive a really crap three-wheeler. Look at me now! I'm a millionaire! Shame about Trig and Denzil, but you can't go back my son. Mind you, je ne sais pas, au revoir, Marlene used to give a bloody great blow job out the back of the Nag's Head, and she was a dab hand at whipping the crotch of her knickers to one side for a quick how's your father. Funny really, how Boycey never quite twigged.

Derek Trotter (off Only Fools And Horses) Dubai.

Sir,

I was on the telly for a long time. Surrounded by half dressed, drop dead gorgeous totty from morning till night, I was. But I hated it. As soon as the cameras started rolling I'd get slapped repeatedly around the head. It happened all the time. It was all just one big headache for me. It was all bollix.

The Little Bald Irish Guy off The Benny Hill Show.

Sir

I don't mean to sound big headed, but I did have a really big head when I was on the telly! And I could breathe underwater. And I was a sex symbol, despite my disproportionately large head! Mind you, I never said much.

Aqua Marina, out of Stingray.

Sir,

I too was on the telly many years ago. And I used to get more than me share of crumpet! I'll say! Mind you, I do have one big regret, and that's that I never became a porn star. You couldn't get the cameras and lights and stuff in those days. Also, it probably didn't help that I was a fat, short arsed, middle aged bloke playing a twenty year old love machine. And me mate Jacko - well, he was a right ugly fucker.

Stan Butler, out of On The Buses.

If any of our readers knows about a celebrity who used to be on the telly, with salacious tales of blow jobs and between takes knee tremblers, tell them to drop us a line. Nobody will ever read what the sad old bastards have to say, but it might make them feel better.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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