Written by IainB

Print this

Monday, 12 July 2010

image for Isle of Wight News - Clampdown on "Boy Racers" Simon Simple's Thockmorton.

Isle of Wight police chief, Tony Hipshoulder, wants to clamp down on what he terms a "modern plague on our beautiful island".

"Over the past few years," said Hipshoulder, "we have been getting an increase in the number of reports of young people tearing along the A3054 between Yarmouth and Newport. Although the speed limit on this road is sixty miles an hour, Shalfleet has a thirty mile an hour restriction, and this is being blatantly ignored. If this carries on, then we are sure that somebody will be hurt."

When police are stationed on Mill Road, word obviously gets around, for nobody speeds through the village.

"We know they are there," said Hipshoulder, "but as of yet, we've yet to see one in order to apprehend them. We have asked if we can have a speed camera installed at the New Inn traffic lights."

Local residents in Shalfleet have made numerous reports to the police of Boy Racers coming through the village.

"Some nights it's like a race track," said local resident, Ursula Mainwairing, 67 of Shalfleet. "They come hairing through playing their thump thump music so loud I don't even need my hearing aid!"

Jeremy Postelthwaite, 19 of Yarmouth thinks that it has all been blown out of proportion. "Yeah, occasionally we nip up to Newport," he said. "But I wouldn't call it racing. I've only got a Polo, and if I took it up to sixty, it'd probably fall apart. I think it's all been blown out of proportion by some old farts who think thirty is too fast."

The only person ever caught speeding on the A3054 was local farmer, Simon Simple, 45, who was clocked doing thirty-one miles an hour in his 1974 Thockmorton tractor, his excuse being that his sheep had escaped, and he had taken the tractor to it's maximum speed in order to get there quickly.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


42 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more