Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Tags: Eminem

Sunday, 11 July 2010

image for Eminem Refuses to go on Stage Until a Bus Takes Him 40ft Eminem - I'm gonna kill you

At last nights T in the Park concert, Scotland's top music festival, headline act Eminem aka Marshall Mathers refused to walk 40 foot to the stage for fear of getting his trainers dirty. Eminem's prima donna behaviour resulted in festival organisers having to hire a bus to transport the diminutive rapper 40 foot to the stage and supply him with plastic bags to cover his feet.

How very gangsta - I'm sure that dealers slinging crack rock on every street corner will now insist on similar treatment from their 'homies' every time it starts spitting.

Eminem issued the following statement to our reporter Kim Bigtits:

Hello, Remember Me? My Name Is Marshall Mathers. So what's all the fuss about? If I had Cum on Everybody then maybe I'd have a Guilty Conscience and it would have all been My Fault but the fact is I'm a criminal, I was under the Influence and there were so many drips of rain you could lose yourself. Look Kim; I'm not superman, I'm not a role model and I'm not going to Sing for the Moment just for old Time's Sake while a Cold Wind Blows and there's rain man, you guys must think I'm insane or think I have Brain Damage. Who knew it was gonna be so bad?

Maybe I'm Talkin' 2 Myself but the mud was rock bottom and I had found no wellies when I was Cleanin' Out My Closet. The organisers can bitch all they like but I Won't Back Down and I Just Don't Give a Fuck. When the Music Stops they made a Public Service Announcement and when it came to Curtains Up they weren't gonna start Without Me or the whole crowd would just lose it. It's the Same Song & Dance, it's never enough and you can Say What You Say because I'm Not Afraid and I still Don't Give a Fuck.

So I sat down to crack a bottle and spend some time in the guest lounge and I told them as long As the World Turns I could stay here Till I Collapse because I'm Shady and that's the way I am.

Final thought? This is business and there's no way I'm going through changes of my footwear because my trainers get stuck underground in puke and mud. So yeah, they got me a bus and everything turned out beautiful . If you got a problem with that then I'm gonna Kill You.

Based on the above, we're hoping his next song is titled "I'm an utter wanker".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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