Written by Leddy
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Sunday, 11 July 2010

My name is Trent Dementia and by pure chance I discovered that Red Fire Ants have intelligence. This may sound incredible but it's true and after you've read my story, you'll believe it too.

Every morning around sunrise, I travel by foot to a salvage yard in north Las Vegas , Nevada . The journey only takes me an hour or so but along the way I explore the surrounding desert and all the magnificent creatures that dwell there.

One morning, I discovered that a colony of Red Fire Ants had dug a small tunnel in the earth and piled millions of micro pebbles around its entrance. In awe and wonder, I watched as the small creatures went to and fro and brought supplies back to their nest, it was an awesome display of the magnificence of nature!

All-of-a-sudden, for some unknown compulsive reason, I picked up a baseball size rock that was close at hand and slammed it down as hard as I could right on the entrance to their cave, to this day, I still don't know why but I estimate that I must have killed or maimed at least fifty of the little creatures!

The ants that were left alive outside the cave were in a state of shock and near panic as they desperately tried to find shelter, and, the entrance to their nest. I couldn't resist the urge of stomping them to death, so I did, but many of them refused to die and instead dug themselves out of the sand and tried to run away! Many other ants that had not been stomped on yet, ran to the aid of their comrades and helped pull them out of the burning sand.

I stomped on all of them a few more times and then buried them whether they were dead or not in about six inches of sand and placed a rock (a head stone) on top of the heap, and with this task completed, I merrily continued on my way to work.

After about eight hours at the salvaging yard, I began my journey back home. As usual, I stopped by the local trading post and purchased two twenty-four ounce cans of Cameo Ice, 9.0. I left the trading post and popped open one of the beers and took a long cold swig of the suds. It really hit the spot too because by that time of the day the Nevada desert was scorching hot, well over a hundred degrees. Anyway, I continued walking, heading in the direction of the Fire Ants that I had pulverized earlier that morning, I was curious to see if they had rebuilt their tunnel entrance.

I made my way to the location of their colony and discovered that they had dug a new tunnel entrance about three feet from their old one that I had sealed off. This new tunnel was better fortified and had been dug on both sides of a small stone which I assumed they thought would prevent another cave in. I took the ice cold beer that I had in my hand and bent down and poured it directly into their nest via the tunnel entrance.

The beer immediately foamed up and created a small pool around the tunnel entrance and trapped about twenty to thirty of the Red Fire Ants that had been caught by surprise in the mayhem. The trapped ants raised their front legs up out of the beer foam and stood up on their hind legs as if reaching for help.

Believe it or not, other ants started showing up, and a few of them jumped off a small stone into the beer foam pool and pulled their comrades to safety. However, before they could get to far away, I raised my boot and stomped on them until I was sure that they were all dead! This gave me a very rewarding sense of accomplishment, and a powerful God like dominance, and as I meandered home drinking my ice cold beer, I wondered to my self if this was how God had been created in the imagination of mankind.

Well, needless to say, this went on for about two weeks. Every morning and every evening I would destroy their tunnel and kill as many of them as I could, and we really developed a God/peasant relationship. One morning, I eagerly arrived at their location expecting to find a new tunnel to destroy and at least a few ants to kill but the place was vacated and left just like it was the evening before when I had destroyed it.

A feeling of abandonment soon came over me and I left the area disappointed, and feeling inferior. It was extremely hard for me to concentrate on my scavenging at the salvage yard that day and I couldn't wait to leave so I could revisit the little creatures that I had grown so accustom to inflicting pain and suffering on. When it was quitting time at the salvage yard, I quickly scurried along the trail to the area of the Fire Ant colony but upon arriving, I found nothing, again!

The shock of having nothing to destroy or kill was unbearable and I stomped my feet in disgust, and searched the vicinity with my eyes for them but all I saw was desert because all my little red friends had moved away (well-so-I-thought)! I stormed off heading southward but turned back around to say good-bye to the location where I had found so much pleasure and enjoyment killing my little friends, just then, I saw one of the Fire Ants removing micro pebbles and opening up a tunnel.

I quickly raced back over to it hoping it would welcome me in but when it saw me it quickly resealed the tunnel entrance and scurried deep into the earth. I stood breathless for a few seconds and in a comatose state of shock, I couldn't accept the fact that my little red buddies didn't want me around anymore. I walked away feeling rejected and abandoned but hid behind a cactus plant to see if they would come out once again if I was gone.

From about twenty feet away and behind the cactus plant, I observed the area where I had last seen my little red friends. It was then that I realized that the Red Fire Ants knew how to tell time and knew what time, I would be passing by to destroy and annihilate them. I was awestruck thinking about the intelligence that they exhibited and how they had plotted against me.

Just then, I noticed some movement in the sand within their sector. I remained silent not wanting to give away my position and peered around the cactus plant when it was clear to do so. I could see my little red buddies opening up their tunnel and racing out to hunt for food. I remained motionless hoping that one of their scouts wouldn't discover me and give away my coordinates to the others.

Within a short time, thousands of Red Fire Ants starting coming out of their nest. It was then that I noticed that one of their scouts was right behind me and had somehow alerted the others of my position, not long after that, the entire Fire Ant battalion started marching in my direction geared for battle. I seized hold of the scout ant that had given up my position and raised him up in front my face for questioning. I put him through the normal war time interrogation that anyone would expect in such circumstances but he refuse to talk, so I executed him by sticking him on one of the cactus plant thorns. I then started throwing stones at the charging Red Ant battalion trying to cause as many casualties as I could.

When I could see that hundreds of their ranks had been killed I ran over and stomped to death thousands of their remaining troops. I even started lighting matches and throwing them on them like napalm!

The battle was fierce but the taste of victory was sweet and my God complex was regenerated in all its glory! I have since gained a high respect for the intelligence of Red Fire Ants but I still kill them (and every other insect as well) every chance I get. Trent Dementia

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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