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Friday, 9 July 2010

image for #1 Ask Hank: No Stranger to Prison, Just Strange

Ed Note: Hank hails from Pocatello, Idaho, better known as Big Elk Country. For years now, Hank has been the guy to ask for advice on any subject. From what wine to serve at your next exotic meat party to where to take your date hunting, Hank knows it all, and he's willing to share it with you. Ask him anything, and if he can't come up with an answer on his own, he's got a whole slew of experts on hand to help him out. From big game hunting, to decorating your man space, to how to keep the wife happy, ask Hank. He'll tell it like it is.

Dear Hank,

I'm a regular guy, I keep to my business and do work when I can. How come I keep getting arrested?

-Frisked in Fresno

Dear Frisked,

Since you don't really say what you are being arrested for, I can't help you too much other than to assume that you are a "social moron." Social morons are quite common these days, so you are not alone. They have no clue how to fit into society and, while believing they are normal just like everyone else, are actually doing things on a daily basis to distance themselves from the society they so longingly want to belong to.

I did a little scientific research into how one becomes a social moron and came upon an interesting study done by the Medical Observatory of Rationally Obtuse Numb Skulls (MORONS). Since you may fall into this category, I'm gonna explain the results of the study in plain terms so that you can understand them.

There is a law (not the kind of law that you seem to keep breaking) but a universal law called the law of attraction. Now, normal people use the law of attraction to try and bring good things into their lives like money and success. In the case of social morons, they somehow got their wires crossed and they are using the law ass backwards.

In your case, you are using the law of attraction to attract trouble into your life. Have you ever heard the saying "trouble follows him wherever he goes?" Well imagine you have a huge ole trouble magnet on the top of your head and wherever you go, that magnet pulls the police to you. There could be ten cars at the same traffic light with you, but the cops are gonna pull up behind you and pull you over because of the expired tags on your car.

Or you are the victim of a crime where your dope supplier is ripping you off and you call the cops to complain and you're the one getting arrested for pot possession. No matter how hard you try to fit in and be a good citizen, the cops are there to arrest you.

So, my friend, what can you do? According to MORONS, there is a controversial treatment for social morons that has not yet proven to be effective, but on theory, it can work. It is a known fact that aluminum foil is a good conductor of energy.

Simply wrap your entire head in aluminum foil and clap your hands continuously for 10 minutes. By doing this three times a day for an entire week, you may be able to reverse the negative effects of the law of attraction.

Unfortunately, you will not benefit from this treatment unless it is done outdoors so that the solar effect can combine with the energy produced by the hand clapping to reverse the negative effect of the energy force shields surrounding you.

Let us know how this works out for you.

Regards,

-Hank

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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