Ryde - IOW News - A report just in from the Department Of Lies, Damned Lies and Statistics confirms that the quality of life in the Ryde metropolitan area is declining steadily.
Critics say that the pace of life in Ryde has simply become too hectic, with Ryde - once a slow paced town - becoming equally as hectic as places on the mainland like Fareham, Titchfield or Portchester on market day.
It seems that in the 21st century, people have little time for the niceties of yore, and find themselves faced with a bewildering array of choices, and difficult decisions, every single day. As local historian Kurt Yurdleburger told us in a very loud dramatic voice as he spoke to our man on Union Street, in Ryde:
"There's just, like, too much for people to get their heads round these days. Man. When Hendrix came over here for the festival, back in the day, we had a few chip shops, penny arcades, a few pubs and a couple of souvenir shops. Nowadays, there's so much choice it could drive a man mad. We've got a KFC, a McDonald's, a kebab shop, a Wimpy, a Chinese, an Indian, and a couple of restaurants. Plus a few chip shops. But we've also got the arcades, the internet cafe, wine bars, a few pubs, and loads of charity shops. And the pound shop. It's bewildering, man. Union Street these days is busier than Oxford Street in London, or Fifth Avenue in New York. It's all too much."
But not everybody in Ryde agrees that the sweeping changes are a bad thing. An elderly gentleman, walking a cocker spaniel on a leash told us:
"I don't know that this progress is such a bad thing," he said. "I mean, I likes that kebab shop. They do a cracking chicken shish, their doners aren't too greasy, and you could strip the paint off a car bonnet with their chilli sauce. You never had that when Hendrix was here."
Kebab shop proprietor Ali Bullo's face lit up when he informed him of the comments made by the man with the cocker spaniel. He told us:
"We make best kebab. We cut kebab nice and thin, like paper, and a lot of it. We no skimp on salad, and we got hot chilli or garlic sauce. You can even have both if you like! No extra charge! We no skimp on nothing. We give customer all of the very best."
Which sounds hopeful for the future, but critics continue to insist that the quality of chip shop cod remains steadily on the decline.
Tomorrow we look at face painting - is it a dying art?