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Sunday, 4 July 2010

image for Who put the C*nt in Scunthorpe? By Simon Sharmain King Thorpe

It is documented, that 1500 years ago, the Normans and the Vikings staged a battle on the beaches of Scunthorpe to decide who would rule England. The protagonists on both sides had good reason to want the victory. There was only one pier and only one chip shop on the promonade.

The victor would have money and power, and ultimatley have planning permission to open an amusement arcade.

This would open the country up as a playground for the rest of europe and the world, but the Native American Indians would have a job rowing across the Atlantic and therefore, did not bother to take advantage of the facilities.

The battle lasted two days, heavy casualties on both sides, and in those days, ambulances were very slow. Many men suffered appauling injuries, scratches to the face, bumps on the head, and handfuls of hair being pulled out.

Viking leader, King Leonard Mincing, saw that his men were being beaten back, and decided to call a halt to the hostilities while he tried to negotiate with Norman King, John Inman.

Inman, called his men off and had them tidy up the battlefield whilst he chatted to King Mincing. The two great leaders decided to meet at Mrs Miggins emporium on the sea road. They shook hands and sat down to a feast of, burger, chips and milkshake.

Both Kings, realised, they had a lot in common, such as, watching Judge Judy and Coronation Street. They agreed to stop hostilities and share the wealth of this small seaside town.

What to name it, was the next diplomatic challenge they faced. Many names were put forward, Brighton, Skegness, Blackpool, Southend, but non were good enough.

A year passed, and both kings were still at a loss when lady luck would pass thier way. A drunk by the name of Thorpe was asleep on a bench by the pier. The two Kings were taking thier evening promonade when they came upon Thorpe. King Mincing shouted at Thorpe to sit up and stop lounging like a drunk. In his drunken stupor, Thorpe, thinking he was being robbed, leapt up and began to stab at both Kings.

Both Kings lay dead at Thorpes feet, soldiers from both armies ran toward him, Thorpe froze, thinking he was for the chop. They soldiers stopped short of the slain kings, and, looking at Thorpe, with his blood stained knife and cloths, enquired about the carnage.

Thorpe told them, that the Kings had slipped on his knife while he was filleting a fish for them. Sad, but telling Thorpe they were a pair a of wankers, they asked what the last words of thier fallen Kings had been.

Looking at the men, Thorpe swallowed hard, and said; "They called me a cunt" The soldiers, realised thay had a great man amongst them, and, after much deliberation, named Thorpe as thier united King. A scribe, asked Thorpe for his first name, in order that the chronicles were kept in a proper order. Thorpe told them his name was, Sid.

Thorpe was a bad king, and spent most of the money of this small seaside town on women and wine, and a few takeaways.

Over time, the people refered to him as "That Cunt Thorpe"

For many years, the town was known as Cunthorpe, when King Thorpe died, an S was added to the towns name, because the newly crowned Queen, had a profound lisp.

Next week, I will be looking at the people of Leatherhead.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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