We are inundated every day with facts and figures from times past.
We are told of the daring deeds of adventurous souls, explorers, inventors and achievers of great human endeavors.
But how often have you wondered about things that Never happened?
I am guessing Never.
But that is immaterial, because I have compiled a list of the top 5 Historical events to have NEVER happened.
5. Young Brian Builds StoneHenge:
Where better to start than that time thousands of years ago, before the druids and the gnomes, when a race of intelligent alien creatures known as the B'stadz landed on the planet Earth in their candyfloss-shaped flying mushrooms and began the construction of Britain's second greatest monument (after the Gherkin, that is) - Stone Henge.
Lead by the charismatic leader, Young Brian, the B'stadz set about creating the world's first children's playground made entirely from stones and other crap.
4. The Cat Next Door kills that Mouse that was living in the tree:
No list could be complete without mentioning this event from 1997, when Tabby the cat from number 29 sought vengeance against the trouble making mouse that had been causing mischief in the neighbourhood for the previous month.
Armed only with, erm.... four legs...Tabby bared her claws and brought down the grey demon of Bakers Close.
Songs were written by local schoolchildren - to the throbbing beats of Queen's 'We Will Rock You' - in memory of the brave little cat that could.
Could kill a mouse, that was.
3. Adolf Hitler Gets Job as Arts & Crafts Teacher at Local Primary School, moves into Rental Accommodation and Doesn't Try To Kill The World.
Many people - especially the Cohen and Lubnowski families who live down the street - were very happy to see local loony Adolf Hitler eventually get recognition for the shite he paints.
Hitler, the gayest man in the village, bagged his dream job as an arts & crafts teacher at St. Trinians School for Constipated Brats.
A statue was built out of cotton wool in the middle of town - by Hitler himself - to mark the occasion.
2. Granny Gets New Set of Teeth For Grandkids Holy Communion.
My granny, Grandma Budda, got a new set of pearly whites so that she could look her best while sitting in the front pew and watch the kiddies get blessed and shoved about by some priests.
A picture was taken of her smiling for the first time in 42 years and is stored in a photo album in the attic somewhere.
1. Pig Escapes from Slaughterhouse and Becomes Leader of the French Republic.
David the pig was almost somebody's dinner before he made a valiant dash for freedom out the back door of Mr. Snorks local butchers shop.
After hiding out in the wild for several days, David was taken in by a kindly blind shoemaker and ferried to safety across the channel to Le Harve.
There he sniffed about in the muck for a while, finding lots of truffles and then learning to speak the language.
After passing his exams in French literacy, David the pig filled in an application form, paid his 5 quid entrance fee and won the post of President of France.
The rest, as they say, is history.