Written by Morse
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 2 July 2010

image for Downeaster News: Hot Breaking Snippets from Coastal Maine #2 Bear Lucky to Survive After Threatening Maine Man in His Own House!

Raging Bear Attacks House of Noted Outdoorsman and Lives!

Tunk Lake Road, Somewhere in Downeast Maine.

There was a near tragedy to the professional painting community early this morning which was narrowly avoided when a crazed 450 pound brown bear
attacked the home of Willard Hardy and was driven off with out suffering a scratch. Willard also survived the confrontation, but said he was left
'shaken.'

Mr. Hardy, known to the sporting and painting community as 'Wet Edge Willard' for his legendary exploits with a fly rod, .35 Remington lever action rifle, and the 12" brush he uses to cut in sash on Victorian China cabinets, was peacefully asleep when the attack occurred.

"Here I was dreamin' about this new airless sprayer that could put out 12 gallons of Benjamin Moore satin latex wall paint every 30 seconds. Paint was flowin everywhere, no drips neither. I was awash in paint. I guess you could say I was having a wet paint dream...and then it turned into a nightmare!"

"Just as I was getting ready to adjust the tip down to where I could control it to cut into the marble tile fireplace on this fancy restoration in Blue Hill, I was awakened by a blood curdling scream!"

"It took me a second to realize that it wasn't me that screamed. Since there was just me and the wife in the house at the time, I must have been her.
I thought for a minute my son James Jr. had dropped in to tell her he was a goin' get married again, but then I remembered he was still out on 'the island'
workin' nights polishing door knobs with his decorator friend Harry from Connecticut."

"Realizin' my wife might be in trouble I launched me self out of bed, grabbed my sock and rushed downstairs. All she could do was point at the
kitchen door leading to the mud room where all the racket was coming from.
I switched on the flood lights and all I could see was this monstrous bear clinging to what was left the the storm door jamb with his face in the bean pot my wife had left out to cool."

"I was pretty hot, let me tell ya, I had just repainted that screen door. I wanted to shoot that sum bitch , right where he stood, but then I realized I hadn't reloaded my sock after I got that partridge the other night. There I was with an empty sock in my hand while I had a a whole sock drawer upstairs with every pair loaded!"

"I was stymied for a minute, let me tell ya, lad, but then I remembered my old drill sergeant from 1941 who used to come into the barracks every morning yelling "Drop your Cocks and Grab Yer Socks!"

"Realizin that time was of the essence, the wife was cooking venison stew on the stove and that big old bear had a snoot full of the aroma, I put my army experience to good use. "

"I screamed like Audie Murphy, dropped my sock and grabbed my cock and charged that fuckin' bear!"

"Well, mister man, that bear turned loose of that door jamb, dropped the beans, turned tail and hopped off when he saw me a comin. Fastest bear I ever saw on 2 legs...still can't figure out why he had one paw coverin' his ass as he headed back off into the woods!"

More Tails from Maine as We Git Em.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

50 readers are online right now!

Go to top