New York City: Today British Petroleum filed a 50 billion dollar lawsuit against the United States in Federal Court. The suit, filed by the noted law firm of Flywheel, Shyster, and Flywheel demands that the United States pay BP for all of the oil that is now decorating United States beaches. Mr Rufus T Flywheel, Esq and Mr Milton K Shyster, masthead partners of the prestigious law firm were interviewed after submitting the legal documents to the clerk of court.
Interviewer: Gentlemen, what is the legal basis of the suit you have just filed?
Flywheel: Our client, the great British Petroleum Corporation, has been subjected to scurrilous and libelous attacks by the Government of the United States. This has caused a drop in BP stock price.
Furthermore, BP oil is now all over American beaches and the United States has done nothing whatsoever to collect it and return it to BP.
Shyster: Also, the United States Navy has been harassing our drilling platforms, preventing further drilling, and annoying their captains with constant complaints, messages, and general trouble-making activities. How can BP be expected to earn money when its employees are being interfered with?
Interviewer: Many Americans feel that the oil leak is BP's fault.
Flywheel: Nothing could be further from the truth. It is purely a natural disaster. BP's rig just happened to be there at the time.
Shyster: In the meanwhile, thousands of people are in boats collecting BP's precious oil entirely without compensation to BP.
Flywheel: Not only is our client, BP insisting on the payment of 60 billion dollars, but it also demands an apology from the United States Government.
I note that only two of the firm's masthead partners are involved in the suit. What about the other Flywheel?
Flywheel: You mean Uncle Fred. He cannot participate because he is on an unplanned vacation at Leavenworth for a couple of minor tax issues. We expect him to be back to work within the next five years.
Interviewer: Thank you, gentlemen. I hope that justice is served in your lawsuit.
Shyster: Justice? Perish the thought!