Its commonly known that Christopher Columbus was the guy that discovered America, but new evidence shows that is a load of bollocks!
Archaeologists have unearthed evidence that the true discoverer of this wonderful land was non other than NOAH! Yes-pieces of Noahs boat have been found on a hill in Yellowstone National park. Along with evidence of years at sea with all his animals on board there was buried in the mud below the wreckage signs that Noah had feasted on the offspring of his animals.
There were remains of meals such as chicken mixed with herbs that resemble todays KFC. Also cows remains minced up with onions are thought to be the forerunner of todays McDonalds. As a messenger of GOD Noah did what he was told and built an ark and filled it with loads of creatures and shit. God told him to get ready for the big flood which would kill all the lazy and dirty bastards in those days giving him complete control of the Earth.
God had tried this hundreds of years before with a dickhead called JONAH. HE had instructed JONAH to swim in the mouth of a "WHALE" and stay put till the whale swam west. The plan went ok for several weeks 'till Jonah started complaining about the f***ing fish diet and eventualy the whale got well pissed off. On the last day just in sight of America (in those days known as WTFIT) Moby as the whale was called said You make me f***ing sick and vomited Jonah right onto Hawaii.
The second plan God devised went much better and Noah landed on mount Rushmore and all the wild animals were released including the Jewish and Hispanic races he felt a bit sorry for. He lived 900 years after that but got a bit fed up of worshipping God, shagging llamas and eating Kfcs so he built a one man canoe and sailed back to Palastine that was just drying out, where he met a nice Muslim woman who had escaped the flood because her Burka had filled with air and they lived many years together talking about the new world that Noah thought was just a consumerist bag of insincere wankers. But however you look at it America is Gods own country.