Or...Gonzo Journalism Without the Use of Illegal Substances
It didn't all start with the Internet. One particularly inventive troll who still stalks me first appeared after I discovered a slip of paper under a hedge bearing a weird message written in a childish scrawl. Running it through the Internet I discovered it was taken from the Koran and was a poor alliteration of Sura 104, "The Backbiter." For students of the Koran, here it is...
alladhi jama'a mâla-wa 'addada
yaHsabu anna mâlahûu akhlada
kallâ la-yumbadhanna fi-l HuTama
wa mâa adrâka ma-l HuTama
allatî taTali'u 'ala-l afida
innahâ 'alaihim mu.Sada
My first thought was that Bin Laden about to launch an attack on our town. Then I realised that Al Qaeda were probably a little more sophisticated than this. I mean, come on! If you're going to warn the infidels that the wrath of Allah was going to descend on them you'd hardly leave a fucking poorly spelt note under a hedge next to a pavement where only a few people pass each day.
So I started leaving notes myself using the persona of Sherlock Holmes. That's when I ran into Craig Browne, AKA, Christopher Barnes. That's not his real name. And, after chasing him for two years across the Internet - a chase that's produced enough correspondence to rival War and Peace - I still don't know what his real name is. And it's not as though it would have been difficult to find out. After all, he only lives a mile away! But removing his anonymity would make him less freakish.
No, I much prefer the various aliases and nationalities he's adopted. On Facebook and other sites. Then there's his sister. A girl I labelled Bin Larder AKA Pink Coat. The reason being she's rather chubby and at one point she used to parade around squeezed into a pink coat. To get into it she must have coated it with Vaseline. Not a pretty sight. Just one of a number of females. For example there was Clarity who first appeared in the guise of a Belgian binge drinker. To gain some insight into the mind of a troll I embarked on a torrid cyber affair with her. Because she lived in America, the affair was conducted via email. In fact, on my side alone, I wrote over 100,000 words! Is that fucking crazy or what?
To give you a taste of the delights to come, here's my favourite troll. A guy I call McNob, for reasons that will become obvious. Below are just six of McNob's early ID's. These have been reproduced with grammatical and spelling mistakes in place. But don't be fooled. There's evidence that McNob may be more intelligent that we initially thought.
1. The Ex-SAS Man
"2INTERSTING PEOPLE, EXPECIALLY ANYBODY SERVING IN THE GULF WAR, EXP THE FIRST GULF WAR, WHERE I WAS LOCATED IN KUWAIT, QUATAR ARAB EMIRATES, ALSO ANY MERCENARYS,ACTIVE OR RETIRED, A LONG SHOT ON HERE I THINK. NO AMERICANS HAD ENOUGH OF THEM IN THE FIRST GULF WAR COMPLETE ARSEHOLES AND THERE DONT TAKE ORDERS PROPERLY, THERE"
2. The Playboy from Monaco
"A small note about me, nice smart kind sexy fun",. "Living in Monaco being a resident in this rich mans and womens playground can be nice and also very boring:", so i have to stretch my legs further a field for interests and business pleasures.Ithink you can guess the rest.English man from surrey, not french man as so many people think here."
3. Sweet Marlene
This is not my favorite thing to have to fill in..... I always draw a blank, but....divorced female, 2 children (school aged), 2 ferrets, 1 cat, 1 gerbil, own my own house in a "caravan park" of sorts on a lake with a private petrol station, bar / restraunt, pizza / grocery, garden in the summer also have fruit trees and grapes, very creative / artistic, love to bicycle, love motorbikes, excellent cook (I understand that there is a much larger selection of seasonings outside of "salt and pepper"!)...
4. The Former Royal Marine Commando
"Penpals, or is it computer palls, interesting and strange in this virtual world.Lets see what happens in this bazzar world of fantasy and Adventure, does the key unlock the door or is it closed all the time, well i will have to see.Adescription of me well yes i think, so you should know what you are up against.Well friends of mine call me a charmer well thats what there say, nice and smart with a pleaseant tone witty likes a laugh kind handsome tall tad shy, great fun a tad cocky, other..."
5. The Lonely Italian
"am looking outside of my hotel room in the land of tomorrow tomorrow. Hopes never take off from here. My guardian angels say (tele-pathically of course) "you are just one card short of a full deck". Enough to grasp my attention and come out with a couple of ideas in this night with squinty eyes. I look around. I see Two road-signs, someone must have dropped them onto the street. The first one is an arrow that points to the left and reads "All Directions". The second one..."
6. The Slapper from Monaco
"A mirror can tell a hundred things about a person", if you know out to look.What does it tell you about me, well you will after find out wont you.Am i a mirror image or the real thing."Only i know that unless your down in monaco then you see the real thing".Ithink mirrors are funny in a way, from one mirror to another you look diffrent some how, maybe its me i dont know."
In the next instalment we'll take an in-depth look at McNob. And it won't be a pretty sight!
The Trollbuster General.