Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Tuesday, 29 June 2010

image for Singles Adverts Looking for Ninjas. Call me...

Male Seeking Female

Aged over 40? Well educated? Like wine, the arts, long walks in the countryside?

Yes? Well fuck off then, I'm looking for an 18 year old vacuous size six stunner with massive tits, no brain and absolutely no opinion on anything. Must be able to iron, cook and give a decent blowjob.

Female Seeking Male

Bitter, unsuccessful, middle aged, spastic wallowing in my own misery and crushing loneliness - looking for 24 year old adonis to bore to tears with tales of a wasted life, vaginal thrush, bed sores and at best missionary sex. Must be a good listener and have own transport. Can accommodate.

Couple Seeking Young Female

Friendly NE couple looking for nubile female. Must enjoy strangulation, dismemberment and being immersed in lime.

Muslim Male Seeking Wife

Fun loving Muslim male, into revolutionary Jihad, radical Islam and Coronation Street seeking like-minded female who enjoys wearing black ninja style outfits, suicide belts and has a passion for international travel.

Male Seeking Female

Middle aged midget with viagra habit seeking female, any female. PS: This advert cost me £60 to place so would appreciate short term loan.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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