Written by Jeremy Paxman
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Tuesday, 29 June 2010

image for Exclusive Beckham Interview: I Got the Goldenballs for the England Manager Job Beckham - I'm just the man to lead overpaid celeb hungry prima donna footballers

For those readers who chose to actually read The Sun newspaper today (instead of using it for its correct purpose - emergency toilet paper); you will have been presented with the argument for David Beckham to take over the reigns of the England job from Fabio Capello.

The Suns argument - which ignores the obvious basics like Beckham having no coaching badges, no managerial experience whatsoever and no personal World Cup success - seems to be entirely centered around the flimsy premise that Argentina have Diego Maradona who seems to be doing well and that therefore Becks celebrity status is enough to equal his. Erto, Beckham can turn England into Argentina. We're thus informed by The Scum newspaper that we should be competing on celebrity status as opposed to more fanciful things like, oh, maybe defense, tactics, grass roots etc.

Following this fanciful reportage, we got straight round to Beckingham Palace to get the facts straight from the clothes-horses mouth:

Beckham, firstly; how's the family, how's the kids?

The kids are great Jeremy, Victoria's here now with them. We've just been doing a jigsaw with them actually. In fact, we've been doing it for the last 17 weeks.

17 weeks? What's the jigsaw of David?

It's a jigsaw of a tiger.

David, that's not a jigsaw, that's a pack of Kellog's Frosties. Anyway, how's married life post Rebecca Loos?

Well, as far as marriage goes, I think we all have our skeletons in the closest and I'm just happy to be able to take mine out with me. Victoria's worth her weight in gold Jeremy, she really is, I reckon at least £4.32.

Down to brass tacks then David, what's it like to be linked with the England job? Do you think Sir Stanley Matthews would approve?

Well I don't know about Sir Stanley Matthews although I'm a big fan of his chicken drumksticks, they're "bootiful", but it's obviously a massive honour to be mentioned in the same breath as other great England managers like Mike Bassett.

What do you think you'd bring to the team as a manager?

I've always been a leader Jeremy. I think I'm exactly the right person to set an example to these fabulously wealthy, celebrity hungry, overpaid, oversexed, mercenary prima donna's who let the likes of Hello Magazine and high profile WAGS rule their lives over football. I think they'd listen to me and follow my example.

Hmm, yes. What's the first thing you'd change?

Well, obviously, the kit has to go. Victoria's friends with Dolce & Gabanna and I think they'd design something much better. Three Lions are so 1990, I'd personally go with a nice DVB logo and make more use of pastel colours.

Who do you think would make the best captain?

I think Captain Birdseye has got a lot to offer but Captain Jack Sparrow is the complete package as far as I'm concerned.

What would you have done differently during this World Cup campaign?

Well obviously, I wouldn't have allowed the lads to be interviewed in front of Coca Cola branding, it would have had to have been Pepsi. And those grey suits, I'd definitely have changed them. I think the technical area was way to small to be able to remove your jacket, pivot, and turn for the cameras so there could have been improvements made there. And our training camp was miles away from the nearest Armani outlet, I think it definitely affected training.

Would you concede that your lack of management experience could be a problem?

I don't think so Jeremy, I mean I can't read, I can't count past 11, I have to put Beckham labels on my jeans so I know they're mine and none of that has stopped me becoming an international global a-list celebrity. I definitely think I could manage the lads careers.

David, I think we're talking at cross purposes here... The job is to manage the England football team on the pitch, not to manage their individual celebrity careers...

Oh I'd be shit then, I can't even manage to get my own haircut, I only remember to get it done when someone tells Victoria to shave her twat.

And on that bombshell, Goldenballs retreated back into his mansion to arrange flakes of Kellog's Frosties with his wife and kids. You heard it here first.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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