Secret love letters, blog entries and various other writing alleged to have been written by Hollywood's favorite part-time rug munching, full-time amateur psychonaut --Lindsay Lohan-- is leaking onto the Interwebs like the cottage cheese-textured discharge from the crotch of a Chlamydia victim.
By the way, don't believe the "news sources" that claim these writings are the script for the Linda Lovelace biopic "Inferno", in which Lindsay Lohan plays the titular 'Deep Throat' porn star: Everyone knows Linsday won't clean up well enough to pull off the role.
But, what the hell, let's just pretend that it's "The Character", shall we? 'Cuz the things she wrote are more gruesome than one could imagine.
So... Lindsay's "character" is violently abused by her mother and later is humiliated by her husband/manager, who makes her talk about how stupid and ugly she is while he brings her to orgasm then beats her and starts shopping her out for group sex. Soon she is encouraged to have sex with a . . . well, let's just say Snoopy'd be a huge fan.
Here are some of the lines:
"I once took on a pro football team--and I don't just mean two at a time! I mean more!"
"I was put on this earth for one thing and one thing only: Sucking a footlong c--k!" (Way to reach for the stars, LiLo.)
And the winner for All-time Creepy Product Placement Is Ponds:
Lovelace: "To me, there is nothing more delicious than j-sm. I love it! I like to smear it all over my face like Ponds Cold Cream!"
Finally, in keeping with the period piece bias, vernacular and pop culture references abound. Using Laugh-In's immortal joke wall, where even President Nixon said, "Sock it to me" Lohan will be filmed saying, "Is there anything in this life I like more than c--k sucking? Okay. Well, one thing. On OCCASION. I love it when my man Chuck socks it to me in the a-s."