Serves between 500-600 people
For a fun-filled festive extravaganza, follow these simple steps:-
1. First, find yourself a medium-sized melting pot, or "theatre", in which to mix the ingredients. Nothing too chic or metropolitan is required. Why not try the Palace Theatre in Mansfield or Basildon's very own Towngate?
2. Next, make sure it's available for 6 weeks over the Christmas and New Year period and be prepared to clean and maintain it, after each use.
3. Now, get yourself a good fable. These are easy enough to find on your child's book shelf. Whichever one you choose, magic and adventure will be found in equal measures.
4. Taking your fable, neatly cut out the animals and characters and place them to one side. Do likewise with any moralistic message that you may find. Once this is complete, discard the remains of a story in the nearest bin. You will not be needing this.
5. Next, gather your utensils, or "stage sets", which will help blend things together. But be careful that you use the right one at the right time.
6. Its now time to prepare the ingredients or "cast". Season your cast in bright attire and introduce them into the melting pot when prompted. Please remove them from time to time so that they can be re-seasoned accordingly.
7. Now, dissect the moralistic message you earlier put to one side, separating out the good and evil.
a. A villain is the best kind of evil that money can buy. You will find these to be long, slim and coarse in texture. The darker the better too. Your body may try and reject a villain, but with just one pinch at the start and one at the end, its sharp taste will almost go unnoticed.
b. Anyhow, we can soon neutralise the effects of a villain by adding a Fairy Godmother. Their sweet, smooth and mild character epitomise everything that is good for us. Fairy Godmothers are only available in white, but some are more sparkly than others. Please use whichever type you want as they are all amazing and they are guaranteed to give the recipe its final shiny coating.
8. If you dip your finger in at this point, you will be left a little confused. An aperitif of good and evil is not the most pleasant concoction but, rest assured; you'll feel a lot better after your main helping.
9. After another five minutes, add your stock or "dance troops" and watch them dart around the melting pot. Dance troops give the recipe some fluidity by combining all the ingredients nicely together. They are also very cheap. They can be found at your local Amateur Dramatics Society for next to nothing. Do keep an eye on their sell-by date though. The younger, riper stock may be the cheapest, but is sometimes known to forget its purpose.
10. Once the dance troops have done their bit, throw in your main ingredient. This is going to give the recipe its intended character.
11. The main ingredient is what is known as the principal boy. Its dark tip and all-round girlish qualities make it a "must-have" for the average man.
a. Let's start by garnishing her slender base in some long boots and breeches. Look how that accentuates her feminine features.
b. For the man with a larger appetite, simply add one more of the same, but in blonde. This is known as a co-principal.
c. Mix the two together and watch the sparks fly! You have created a guy's fantasy fusion. That's not to say that girl's don't enjoy this taste too. Many of them have in fact, sampled it.
d. Please plan your harvest carefully. The principal boy and co-principal can certainly be found in abundance and at a good price, but they are often on the rotting side of ripe, so do need to be hand-picked quickly before they perish. The best ones will have recently been killed off in Hollyoaks or Eastenders and can be found cutting the ribbon outside a local convenience store near you now.
12. Next add the Comic Lead. This is a somewhat raw substance which needs to be continuously brought on and off the boil. His flavour may appear simple and plain to adults but kids find it fun and natural. A Brian Conley is a good brand of Comic Lead but if you want a 2 for 1 deal, then look no further than Cannon and Ball.
13. Now add the Panto Dame but use sparingly, according to taste. You see, kids will love the vibrant look of this ingredient but they don't find the taste quite so palatable. Adults, on the other hand, enjoy her full-bodied appeal as well as her colour and vigour. Do take care when dropping the Panto Dame into the melting pot though. If you get a little too close to the flame, you may find her advances a little saucy and even offensive to your taste buds. But stay calm in these situations. The Panto Dame is very good for your health and has no side effects whatsoever.
14. Half way through mixing the ingredients, it's time for a Harlequinade. So, leave things to simmer whilst you revel in the totally irrelevant splendour of a magician or fire-eating juggler in action.
15. After this short break, let others have a taste. Get the Comic Lead to throw sweets out to the kids or ask the Panto Dame to squirt water on the adults. A sprinkling of water will whet their appetite for a bit more of the same.
16. Then, add more innuendo, but according to taste. A double-entendre is well received by most, but a few too many doubles can leave others a bit worse for wear.
17. Now turn up the heat and bring things to the boil again. Really mix that Panto Dame into the other ingredients. If you need a bit more slapstick, add a Panto Animal. This can be a horse or a cow but, on the grounds of Health & Safety, I would not suggest using real ones. Simply place an advert in your Local Job Centre for two unsuspecting Eastern Europeans who are looking for temporary work and shove them into the animal's skin. Once suitably decorated, force them into the melting pot and watch how they are instantly seized upon by the other ingredients, particularly the Panto Dame. The buffoonery which ensues is always guaranteed to give a generous helping of humour.
18. Finish up by adding more dance troops. Turn the heat up to its max and watch all the ingredients mixing together one last time.
19. OK. The 2 hours are up. Turn off the gas and allow to cool. You should now have enough for a feast, with no sign of a bitter aftertaste.
20. Finally. Cover it up. Uncover it once more (just to remind yourself how good it looks) and then cover it up again. It's now ready to be served again twice tomorrow.