Written by Roy Turse
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Monday, 14 June 2010

image for New York Nuns Not Happy About Car Getting Towed "This is definitely where we left it - right where's my cell phone..."

A court case jury were today played the controversial tape of a conversation between a group of Nuns and a New York towing company. The case has been brought against NY Auto Removal by the Sisters of Unconditional Love alleging that their car was removed illegally.

The Nuns claim that they left their Hyundai outside a bar on a quiet Eastchester side street for a few minutes, and when they came back to it, it was gone. They called the police who referred them to NY Auto Removal.

The recorded conversation starts with one of the Nuns asking if their car is at the pound.

Nun 1 (thought to be Sister Francis): "So you do have our car then?"

Mr Louis Petrelli - NY Auto Removal : "Yes, that's correct Ma'am."

Nun 1: "Could you tell me how we get it back?"

LP: "You have to pay the fine, plus the towing charge. It comes to $375. You can pay by credit card over the phone and we will bring the vehicle back to you, or you can come down to the .."

Nun 1: "What the .. $375? You gotta be kidding me, right? We only left the car there for a minute."

LP: "Well I'm sorry Ma'am, but.."

Nun 1: "Well we want it back. What the hell do you think you are doing stealing it off the street?"

LP: "I'm afraid it was towed away for being illegally parked. We are licensed by the City."

Nun 2 (thought to be Sister Agnes) "Tell him we're nuns."

Nun 1: "We're nuns! We do God's work!"

LP: "Well I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. You have to pay the $375 within a week or storage charges are added. Then after six months if you haven't paid we can sell or crush the car."

Nun 1: "You evil b****d! You want to take us on? We told you we're nuns - we've got God on our side!"

Nun 2: "Tell him we'll f**k him up! Tell him we'll get God to f**k him up!"

Nun 1: "Yeah, well you want $375 to get our car out of the pound? Well that's OK if you don't mind God killing your kids!"

Nun 2: "Tell him God will give him a disease!"

Nun 1: "Yeah, God will give you a disease. We'll pray to God to give you Leprosy!"

Nun 2: "No, say Aids!"

Nun 1: "Yeah Aids! Your c**k will drop off and your brain will explode!"

LP: "Please, Madam, calm down.."

Nun 1: "Shut the f**k up, Motherf****r!"

Nun 2: "Tell him God will kill his kids!"

Nun 1: "I already did."

Nun 3 (thought to be Sister Rosemary): "Tell him again!"

Nun 2: "No, tell him we'll kill his kids!"

Nun 3: "And his wife!"

Nun 1: "Yeah, f****r, we're coming round to your house and we're gonna kill your whole family and burn your house down!"

Nun 3: "Say God will tell us where he lives."

Nun 2: "Or we'll get it out the phone book."

Nun 1: "Yeah, you're dead motherf****r! We're coming to get you! You made a bad mistake. And now you're gonna pay!"

Nun 2: "Tell him your husband's a cop!"

Nun 3: "No, tell him your husband's a murderer - who works for the Mob!"

Nun 1: "But we're nuns. Hello? Nuns with husbands?"

Nun 2: "Tell him your brother's in the Mob!"

Nun 3: "Say you brother is the Capo di Capo! Say he'll leave a horse's head in his bed!"

Nun 1: "Yeah, well we're not gonna pay your sh***y fine. God's gonna get you! We'll see you in court, motherf****r!"

The case is ongoing.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

53 readers are online right now!

Go to top