I think it's a damned disgrace that Jacob Zuma was allowed to address the world at the World Cup opening ceremony. Okay, he's the President of South Africa, but any bloke who tells his fellow countrymen that washing your cock in the sink and wiping it dry on the curtains, after sex, somehow prevents aids, is in my opinion a complete fucking head job nutter. Not good.
W Mandela, Soweto
I'd like to thank the Queen for giving Catherine Zeta Jones the CBE. Quite frankly, I'd give her one myself, given half a chance. But points simply must be deducted because she married Michael Douglas. I mean, what's that all about? Let me tell you; if the delightful Catherine was bent over my washing machine putting her smalls in, I wouldn't need viagra. I can promise you that. I'd definitely give her a full load.
Three cheers to South African football fans. I wish we'd have thought of this ages ago. Blow silly bloody buzzing trumpets all through the match, making it sound like they're playing in Erskin Quint's beehive. No doubt Pele and George Best and the like would have been even better with the benefit of thousands of silly bastards blowing trumpets that sound like farts as their countrymen look desperately for clean water.
I'd like to echo what Books just said. I'd give Catherine Zeta Jones one too. A CBE I mean. I wouldn't complain if she bent over my washing machine. Or the kitchen sink. Or the laundry basket. Or the bookcase. Or the computer desk. Or even the toilet bowl. In fact, I'd drop five pound notes all over the house, just to make her keep bending down. And then I'd go to the bank and just draw out some more five pound notes, and buy some more washing machines and sinks and stuff like that. And I wouldn't need viagra either. Maybe a splint on me poor thumb - but nothing else.
I was going to write about the World Cup, but all this talk about Catherine Zeta Jones bent over got me quite hot under the collar, and I forgot what I was going to say.
It'll come back to me.
Eddie Missile, Tiger Bay.
I was going to write about the World Cup too, but I got distracted by these images in my mind of Catherine Zeta Jones bent down at the sink. Let me assure your readers that should I find Catherine Zeta Jones bent over any domestic appliance in my house, I'd give her one. But I'd do it responsibly and wash my cock afterwards so I can be certain I don't get aids. Promote safe sex. Especially with Catherine Zeta Jones. But be sure to soap your cock afterwards. That'll sort it.
Jacob Zuma, Capetown.
I was going to write about the World Cup too, but while my neighbour was cheering the lads on and blowing his trumpet in the stadium, his wife was kind of bent over the kitchen sink, and, well, one thing led to another. I hope he enjoyed the game. I certainly did. Bafana Bafana were never really that interesting anyway. Can't wait for the next game!
Over the kitchen sink.