Written by P.M. Wortham
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Friday, 11 June 2010

image for San Diego Archdiocese Lobbies Transportation Department for Nun Lanes The Habit Hides the Nun Chucks, Best to Steer Clear

Traditionally travelling in groups of three, always walking side by side and with arms often akimbo, Catholic Nuns will soon be offered their own specialty lanes for most any mode of transportation including walking paths, thanks to unrelenting pressure from San Diego Archdiocese leadership and the general public.

Often seen in small automobiles travelling in the far left lane at speeds well under the posted limit, in airport concourses strolling three abreast at a casual pace, or on city streets oblivious to the fact that others might need to share the sidewalk, Nuns will soon have their own lanes designated for pious travel.

"I think it's the least we can do", says Transportation Department Director, Mark Paul Peters. "Separate lanes take them out of public paths and make things safer for everyone". Peters referred to an incident last year where three Sisters had been travelling in the left lane at 45 miles per hour in a 70 MPH zone. One motorist, who chose to pass them on the right, ultimately caused an incident that closed the motorway. "Apparently he flipped them the bird while passing and was immediately struck by a lightning bolt. He then quite interestingly spun into a delivery truck filled with sex toys, flipped over onto an Audi carrying Jenna Jameson and Ron Jeremy, and toppled into a bus filled with Buddhists", says Peters.

While the transportation department cites public safety as the impetus behind roadway lane changes, the Catholic Archdiocese feels that this will be a way to introduce another aspect of the church's moral leadership to the public. "Yes, though our priests have fostered some public attention lately, we would like our leadership to be, perhaps, 'touchy-feely' in completely different ways", says Monsignor Fergus McCarthy. "This is why we think the walking paths, or 'Nun Lanes' gives us a way to reach out to the public more directly, and of course reducing collisions with runners, roller skaters, skateboarders and cyclists as well."

Sister Mary Elephant from the 'Our Lady of Corporal Punishment' parish, tells reporters, "We're looking forward to interacting with the public more, especially the younger community who so desperately need our guidance". Standing near a table with two other Nuns, Sister Elephant displayed the tools of their trade including traditional hardwood yardsticks, fanny paddles with holes cut in to reduce aerodynamic resistance, and a strange device the pool of reporters had not seen before.

"Yes, we're very proud of our little recycling project here. We like to show how Nuns can be Green too", says Sister Elephant. Explaining how they reclaimed the handles from broken paddles, connected by lengths of previously broken Rosary chains, they had developed a new educational aid. "We call them Nun Chucks", laughed Elephant.

One reporter in attendance at the interview asked how the new device could ever be considered an educational aid. Sister Elephant calmly explained that it was designed to "grab someone's attention when they weren't paying any", then followed with a flick of her wrist, catching the reporter with the Nun Chuck on his left ear. "And that was for sassing. Paying attention now?"

The walking path construction continues throughout Northern California while groups of Nuns are now routinely seen out in public strolling alongside bike paths. While public reaction is mixed with regard to the Nun's mission of spreading the Catholic faith, or assuming any role in the 'guidance' of younger boys and girls, most seemed pleased that they are separated from the rest of the travelling population.

"They are a bit overly excited to be engaged in this new public role", says Monsignor McCarthy, "We'll have to make sure the beatings are kept to a minimum, and not delivered without just cause. Wiping one's nose on a shirtsleeve, purely as an example, is a borderline offense. That's really a judgment call for our dear Sisters to make based on the circumstances, including the volume and color of the nostril jelly left on the material".

In a related story, other social groups are in full support of the Nun Lanes and increased public interaction. Haywood Jaspankmi from San Francisco chapter of the Masochists Club, are frequent visitors to the strolling Nun Lanes. "It's as simple as dropping a gum wrapper or an "F" bomb for that matter, to warrant a little one-on-one time with my favorite Nun. It is a religious experience".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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