A word to the wise to any potential caravan buyers out there. I got duped into buying a caravan against my better judgement. I've been paying a bank loan on the bloody thing for five years, but because of a clause in the contract, I couldn't sell it. So I stopped paying. The bank advised me that if I continued to stop paying, they'd repossess the caravan, and I'd also owe them three grand that I hadn't paid since I stopped paying. Irrespective of how much the bloody caravan raises when they sell it. I told them to fuck off, take their caravan and stick it up their arse. And I'd advise anybody in the same boat to do the same. So far it's cost me about thirty grand to spend a couple of months in a caravan surrounded by Essex types and country bumpkins. My advice is to send some money to Nigerian scam artists. Once you've sent it they don't keep bugging you like those bastards in Cardiff.
Martin Shuttlecock, Portsmouth
Struggling to get a foot on the UK housing ladder, my husband Derek and I bought a farmhouse in Bulgaria for four thousand UK pounds (non refundable) off the internet. Imagine our dismay when we arrived in Bulgaria, speaking no Bulgarian whatsoever, and found that we didn't own the house anyway because it was subject to a family dispute. Further investigations revealed that the building didn't even have mortar between the bricks, and that a family of goats refused to go near the place. What a fucking rip-off.
Emily Screen, Sidcup.
I recently retired to Spain with the wife and bought a finca in Catalunya hoping to start a business breeding snails. We renovated the finca and the snail breeding business was going great, but then I started getting migraines. Speaking neither Catalan nor Spanish, I consulted my local doctor about the migraines and she seemed only interested in looking at my knees, insisting that I roll my trouser legs up, despite my protests. We're selling up and moving back to Grimsby. The weird bastards can breed their own fucking snails as far as I'm concerned.
Terry Firma, Grimsby.
A word to the wise for the Shuttlecock chap who wrote earlier. I too told the bank to "fuck off" and stick it up their arse. Then my caravan burnt down and the bank sent a big Welsh bloke with a broken nose around to my house demanding money with menaces. I told him to "fuck off" too, in no uncertain terms. That showed him.
Cuthbert Femur, Fracture Ward, QA Hospital, Portsmouth.