Dear Editor: I just wanted ta let ya know dat I read The Spoof at me breakfast table ev'ry single mornin'. I really, really like it and I truly duzz enjoy seeing me name in da various articles I does. And just ta show ya me appreciation, on Thursday, I am 'avin' a tattoo wiff "The Spoof" tattooed on me left one. I will be sending ya a photo when I gets me the tattoo in place.
Dear Miss Winehouse: You're welcome and thank you so much. And Miss Winehouse if it isn't too much of a bother would you mind sending me an autographed CD, free tickets to your next London concert, and Cheryl Cole's cell phone number. Thanx luvy.
Dear Editor: Is it just me or does Russell Brand's girlfriend Katie Perry appear to have eyeballs the size of ping pong balls?
Miffy "Muffin" Groundswallow
Dear Miss Groundswallow: Well first of all she spells her name K-a-t-y and not K-a-t-i-e. And let me say that yes, you are very observant. Perry does have the biggest bloomin' eyeballs in the entire United Kingdom she gobsmackingly does.
Dear Editor: I duzzn't like it when some of ya writers spell me last name Boil instead of Boyle. Please correct da mistakes or I shall be forced ta report ya to da British Agency For Proper Surname Spelling.
Dear Ms. Boyle: I give you my word as an English gentleman that you shant see your name spelled Boil again. I will be sending you a check for £300 [$433 U.S.] as a gesture of goodwill.