Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 5 June 2010

image for Letters To The Editor - In Wax Crayon Letters From The Big House

Sir,

I want to complain about all these cookery programmes on the telly. These so-called chefs keep popping up telling me to finely chop some onions, or capers, or crush some garlic up with a cleaver or a sharp knife and it makes me really angry. I live at Broadmoor Psychiatric Hospital for the Criminally Insane, and no matter how much I plead with the warders, they won't let me have a cleaver or a chef's knife. Sometimes I wonder why anybody bothers about anything.

Stan Diablo, Broadmoor.

Sir

What I want to know, is are eggs good or bad for you? As a kid, I was always told that eggs are good. Then they said they weren't, because of cholestorol. Then they said that the yolks were okay but the whites were bad. Then they changed their minds again and said that eggs were okay. Then they forgot all about eggs and started banging on about tuna, oily fish and omega 3 oils. This is very confusing, and it makes me really angry. Do I have to escape from prison and murder some prostitutes in order to express my dissatisfaction? Or will somebody finally come clean?

Dark Vision, HMP Belmarsh.

Sir

Speaking as a lorry driver who poisoned his wife for the insurance money, it grieves me that all these violent killers appear to be drivers in one way or another. These people who go around shooting and stabbing people are giving us poisoners a bad name. Surely it's high time the government stepped in and sorted this out. We poisoners may have killed people - and I can't argue with that - but we didn't hurt them.

Jimmy Arsenic, HMP Wormwood Scrubs.

Sir

As a convicted killer who gunned down four people in the course of an armed robbery, it makes me sick to my stomach that I have to share my accommodation with nonces - nonsense killers who stab women and kids - it's just not right. When will the authorities realise that those people who murder for pleasure are different from those of us who murder for profit? Those people should be given a serious kicking and set on fire.

G Dahn, HMP Durham.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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