LOS ANGELES - Jesse James soon-to-be-ex-husband of Academy Award winner Sandra Bullock finally agreed to be interviewed by Larry King on his show Live With Larry King. James the owner of West Coast Choppers in Long Beach, California said that he welcomes the chance to set the record straight.
LARRY: So tell me Jesse how are things going?
JESSE: Not to good Larry. My wife, the stunningly beautiful fantastic actress Sandra Bullock is divorcing me. And I am totally devastated.
LARRY: Tell me about it dude. I've been divorced seven times.
JESSE: Larry. Does it get better?
LARRY: Better than what Jess?
JESSE: I don't know. I guess that I'm still confused as hell about the whole divorce thing.
LARRY: Confused? Hey dipstick. You put the salami to half a dozen gals, ah cycle chicks I think the media calls them so don't be actin' like you're all confused and innocent. I guess next you'll be blaming your whoring around on your childhood.
JESSE: Well Larry as a matter of fact yes. As a child I was abused. I was made to watch The Lawrence Welk Show on Saturday evenings. I wanted to watch Flipper, but my dad wanted to watch Lawrence Welk and His Champagne Bubble Makers.
LARRY: Well Jesse, you're a big boy now and you have to look in the mirror and blame the person you see staring back at you.
JESSE: But Larry. It really was not my fault.
LARRY: Oh. So I guess you're going to blame sweet, little Sandy.
JESSE: Effen-A Lar.
LARRY: Okay muffler mouth tell me how was it your wife's fault.
JESSE: Larry, Sandy is the one who started messing around first.
LARRY: Bullshit you cycle chump.
JESSE: Mr. King. Sandy, in front of 80 million people grabbed Meryl Streep, and on live TV planted a lip lock on her that people sitting in the fourth row heard.
LARRY: Ah...Jess, let's be honest. Sandy and Meryl are not lesbians okay.
JESSE: Larry do you live in a freakin cave or what? Remember no one thought that Rock Hudson was gay, or Lance Bass, or Ricky Martin, or Meredith Baxter, or Clay Aiken...well maybe not Clay Aiken. But you get my drift.
LARRY: Sour grapes my boy. Son-of-a-bitchin' Sour grapes.
JESSE: Larry you just don't get it dude. On the way home from the award show all that Sandy talked about in the Limo was how great it felt to kiss Meryl on the mouth and how her lips tasted like freshly picked refrigerated strawberries and how Meryl had whispered in her ear, 'call me bitch - you better friggin call me.'
LARRY: You know Jesse. I think that the real reason Sandra doesn't want you anymore is because you smell like a nasty mother effen motorcyle. You really do. Jess do you bathe or shower at least once a week fella.
JESSE: Shut up Larry!
LARRY: Hey! You listen to me you damn Nazi loving, carnival worker looking tattooed piece of motorcycle shit -
JESSE: Motorcycle shit? Larry what da hell is motorcycle shit?
LARRY: You know Jess you get me so mad and upset that I don't even know what the effen hell I'm even saying.
JESSE: Mr. King, sir with all due respect, the reason you don't know what you're effen saying is probably because you're what now?...97 or so?
LARRY: You're mama Jesse. You're motorcycle-riding, tattooed mama.
JESSE: Yeah, will you sure do talk big for an old fart that has been married seven times. Whatsa matter Lar? Is it your little bitty Jon Gosselin wienie or what?
LARRY: Eff you Jesse. You are nothing but scum. No you are worse than scum. You are scum that one would find on scum. And what the hell Sandra (Bullock) ever saw in you is abso-frickin-lutely beyond me.
JESSE: Oh yeah Larry. Well I got your beyond right here.
LARRY: Punk. Beyond this...and ladies and gentlemen I'm afraid that I am going to have to cut this interview short, because Jesse and his butt ugly 40 or so tattoos are starting to downright stink. So I am going to go to a commercial and when we return Jesse "Shithead" James will be gone and I am going to talk about my own damn marital problems and exactly where it all stands with my wife, her coach/lover and my sister-in-law/mistress, and my addiction to viagra, and several other things of interest.
[AND FADE TO A COMMERCIAL]
During the commercial Larry was told by his director that they were getting ready to be pre-empted on account of the president was going to give an update on the Gulf of Mexico BP oil spill and what exactly it will all mean to the states of Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, both Carolinas, Virginia, Wyoming, and Maryland.