The Obama Health Care Plan (a.k.a. Obamacare) rolled out the first of their schedules that will begin effective January 1. Some examples are as follows:
Childbirth: May only take place on Mondays between 8:00 a.m. and 4:00 p.m. (unless the Monday falls on a Federal holiday) and Wednesdays between 4:00 p.m. and midnight. Persons expecting delivery (male or female) must check into the hospital thirty minutes prior to their scheduled time. Delivery appointments must be made at least one year in advance. Exceptions for pre-mature deliveries must be made in writing to the insurance provider and hospital at least four weeks before the unexpected emergency delivery. Women will be allowed a maximum of two hours in labor. Women in labor longer than two hours will forfeit their spot and must reapply for a delivery appointment.
Neo-Natal Care Facilities: Newborn babies and other small infants needing hospitalization will be permitted only breast milk from their mothers. If the mother is unable to provide breast milk, they will be fed from the regular hospital cafeteria main menu selection from that day (the hospital provides a meat or a meatless entree for each meal). Babies are also only permitted six (6) diapers and nine (9) diaper wipes per day, not to exceed thirty (30) diapers or forty-five (45) wipes in a one week period. Babies requesting fresh linens on a more than weekly basis or wanting fabric softener in their bedding will encur added costs and have to make a request in writing to the laundry staff one week prior to admittance.
Vasectomies: All vasectomies will be performed on Fridays between 10:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m.. Patients wishing anesthesia (those who can't "take it like a man") will wear the pink, backless hospital gowns and will receive cartoon character bandages. Only nurses weighing 250 pounds (and above) will be allowed on vasectomy days to keep men from having "the natural reaction." Those wishing the Economy Procedure (tying rubber bands tightly around the scrotum and leaving them there until your nuts dry up and fall off) will not be scheduled a follow-up visit.
Tonsils: This procedure will take place only on Tuesdays between 4:00 p.m. and 7:00 p.m. (after school and before bedtime). Television sets within the hospital will be turned to patriotic marching programs and children will have be required to recite their ABC's ("Allah's Barack Cares" poem to also be taught in all elementary schools) Children having their tonsils removed will no longer receive popsicles (as these contain sugar and may lead to diabetes or weight gain).
Stomach Stapling: Stomach stapling for women will be scheduled on Fridays during the same hours as vasectomies. This will help to keep the men's minds off sex if they see the female patients in the halls or waiting areas. No meals will be served to these patients, as they are fat enough not to miss the calories and need to lose weight anyway.
Death Squads: Will meet Monday thru Friday from 8:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. to deny any medical care to non-Democrats or non-ACORN members over the age of 65.
Cosmetic Breast Enhancement Surgery: Under the Obama plan, these can only be performed when at least ten members of the Democratic Congress or Cabinet members are present in the hospital to view and monitor the procedure. A similar number must also be present to witness the follow up appointments and to verify breasts for feel, texture, and bouncing abilities. Video recording must be made of all procedures and sent to the Office of Congressional Oversight.