Loplip, LA: News has reached Tawdry Soup that Karl Rove, the parallel universe dwelling Bush minion, has accepted a position as the public relations point man for BP, the company that everyone on the planet has fingered as the culprit in the gigantic environmental disaster taking place in the Gulf of Mexico.
On Saturday afternoon, just in time for the Sunday newspapers and talk shows, Rove made an appearance in a hastily arranged press conference. The transcript is as follows:
Karl Rove's Opening Statement:
We would not have drilled for oil in that location if we thought there was some kind of so-called oil leak out there. In fact, we hit a dry hole which means, in oil field talk, there was no oil produced from that rig. The fact this floating brown mousse someone called an oil slick decided to make an appearance after our rig tumped over surprised us as much as anyone. Look, anything called the Gulf of Mexico is going to have some leaky pipes hanging around.
There are confirmed rumors our in-house intelligence has proven the rig fire was caused by an incendiary device thrown by a enviro-terrorist who is now hiding somewhere in Cuba. For that reason, we are working with Republicans in Congress to formulate a declaration of war against Cuba.
Furthermore, the American people need to keep in mind there has not been another oil seep in the Gulf of Mexico since this one decided to show up from wherever it came from. This is due to the strong alliance America has with Great Britain and BP. Together we are working to keep America safe from the result of Democratic anti-business environmental policies that have become a breeding ground for people who hate America and her freedoms bestowed upon us by God. I'm sorry, but if someone would rather burn the American flag than display it in all its glory, then don't blame BP if Barack Hussein Obama manages to kill innocent people in order to prove a point. Terrorism is terrorism by terrorists, and people who are out to hurt innocent Americans should suffer the consequences of their actions. But the executives from BP are and will continue to be innocent of any accusations of negligence because they are nothing but honest and hard working patriots of the American-British anti-terrorism alliance.
While unfortunate, collateral damage occasionally occurs during the surgeon-like precision that is practiced when an oil well is drilled. If BP did manage to find oil, the company cannot be held responsible if a few organisms die in the process. We are simply trying to preserve the American way of life.
Now, here's a tip for anyone who is talking to any of the hundreds of lawyers who've set up shop around here: Keep in mind that salt water has no value. You can't drink it and you can't bathe in it. You'll never see it for sale anywhere. So it is impossible to sue someone for tainting something that has no real value. Just keep that in mind when you decide to go the legal route.
There is also a very good chance the fishermen who are making the claims that BP has destroyed their livelihood are all depraved individuals who spend most of their time partaking in wild homosexual hoe-downs. Several real fisherman like Phong Ng, whose family has fished the waters of Swelters Bayou, Louisiana after valiantly fighting the communist threat in Vietnam, have claimed the fishing has never been better, and now have a brand new boat to show for it. Now, I'll take a few questions.
Tawdry Soup: Now wait a minute Mr. Rove, all this sounds eerily similar to the lies and bullshit you dished out to the American people when you worked for GW Bush. I mean let's look at this point by point.
About that time Rove looked around nervously and blurted out, "Does anyone want to see my mangina?"