Susan Boyle is planning to open a new Fish 'n' chip shop next door to Harrods. She believes it is 'well needed' in that area of London.
"Let's face it," she says, "there's lots o' folk out there visitin' Harrods's just to buy a wee candy stick so they can have it put in a Harrod's bag as proof they shopped there. Oh! For goodness sakes, one o' ma fans from Middlesbrough told me her mam did that.
See, she couldna' afford anythin' else in the big shop but she wanted proof she'd bin there. Then when looking for somewhere gid ta eat, she and her wee son couldna find a decent place to buy a fish supper.
I reckon there's more of us ordinary folk out there, just trying te get a wee taste o' life in the big city but they don't have big city cash.
Och Christ! (no blasphemy intended), I've bin there an' I sure haven't forgotten just yet, wo' i' feels like.
There's a wee thing that's botherin' me tho'. Ah heard the RSB* have just bought Harrods's so A am a wee bit worried that they'll be sendin' all their loony pals o'er to ma Fish Supper shop, just coz it's ME tha' owns it.
All A want is the ordinary folk t'buy ma fish suppers. Not all those rich folk. They won't even appreciate the food.
They'll just be wantin' ta say they 'DID' Susan's Fish 'n' Chip shop. That's what the Americans say isn't i'? 'We DID wee Blackburn. We DID Paris. We DID London. Wee idjets the lo' o' 'em.
Goot Gordon Highlanders, A do wish they'd tek a wee break those loonies. It canna be goot fer their health. It canna be goot fer their families. A feel fer their families A truly dee."
We,at The Spoof, wish Susan Boyle all the luck in the world with her new venture. Hopefully, franchises will be opening up all over the UK in the not too distant future.
* RSB = Red Scarf Brigade = Susan Boyle fanatics