Written by MostlyHarmless
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Saturday, 8 May 2010

image for SpoofGate: Climate Scientists Put Poor Spoof Writers Out of Work

"They're taking the bread out of our mouths!" says Spoof journalist Pullmi Legg, founder of the Writers, Anecdotalists, Naysayers, Kick-arsers, Egocentrics and Recidivists Society (WANKERS). He's issued the following statement about his reasons for giving up writing for Spoof.

"For years we've been taking the piss out of these myopic truth-benders and their exaggerated alarmist claims, but lately they've been outdoing any satirical distortions we can come up with to expose the fact they've got no scientific credibility. I think it's a deliberate campaign of mis-information to pre-empt any satirical skits we can dream up. You just can't base satire on such obvious rubbish.

We've had all the 'Gates' recently - Climategate, Himalayagate, Amazongate, Pachaurigate, Chinagate and many more, and they were all grist for the Spoof writers' mill. I liked Amazongate the best, with the IPCC claiming that an unconnected statement in a report on logging was proof that the wettest place on earth was 'sensitive to small changes in rainfall'. Media reports say global warming causes cancer, hay-fever, insanity (ironic,that one!), sexual dysfunction (they should join our society), civil unrest and ingrowing toenails. However, (apart from that last one, and I'm still waiting with bated breath) you just couldn't make it up, and that's my point.

The latest startling revelation is that melting ice could (they use 'could' a lot, these people, and that's rather revealing) - COULD cause dormant volcanoes to erupt. I mean - first of all they deny that volcanoes affect earth's climate much, then they say they do, and explain why global temperatures haven't increased in the last 12 years, then they say that melting glaciers and icecaps caused by global warming COULD trigger eruptions that'll start a new ice age. With THAT kind of logic train, where do you even start writing a satirical piece? I'm losing my hair, I've got bags under my eyes from sleepless nights spent staring at a blank screen. I tried watching CNN and BBC News for inspiration, but soon found I was losing the will to live. I've even given up booze, and for a Spoof writer that's REALLY serious.

There's only one way out, and I know I'll be criticised by Spoof writers who're sticking it out to the bitter end. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em - I'm going to become a Climate Scientist. I've got all the qualifications - I've seen a lot of weather out of the window, and we all know a lot of weather is climate, right? I know carbon dioxide is the bubbles in a glass of beer, that clouds are white, sea is green and sky is blue. Give me a fact or a theory and I can bend and stretch it out of all recognition. I've got years of experience writing graffiti on walls and Spoof articles that bear no relation to truth or reality. I also know that governments give out big grants for research proving that we need to give them lots of tax money to give out big grants for research. I'm not proud - when the chips are down I'll do anything to feed my drug habit - I mean my kids.

So farewell fellow Spoof writers, I'm making the ultimate sacrifice, joining the opposition to give you new material. If you reckon I've gone "over the top" or find yourself thinking "you couldn't make that up", drop me a line at gorebull.warming@ipcc.org and I'll try to tone it down a bit".

Pullmi Legg is 32 (but looks 93).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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