Written by Jaggedone
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Friday, 7 May 2010

image for Travellers Guide for "Sado-Maso" tourists wishing to spend a holiday in a German Fridge (Kuhlschrank!) Example of Sauerland accomadation in May (please don't expect too many birds and bees)

After receiving the following consignment from the National Geographic Society to report upon one of the most fabulous areas of Germany called SAUERLAND (in the local dialect, Kuhlschrank = Fridge) Jaggedone tippled off to the region only to discover it really is a fridge.

Stuck between Ruhrgebiet and the Kasseler Berge Sauerland/Kuhlschrank = Fridge is also well known as the "Hollandische Alpen" (The Dutch go there because they have no idea what mountains look like)

The month of May for normal regions means sunshine, flowers, blossoms, birds and the bees, but here in the "Fridge" it means snow, hail, sleet, NE ice-cold winds and general misery, S & M'ers no problem, misery guaranteed!

The travellers in the region have the opportunity to get totally pissed on excellent German Beer, enjoy "sado-maso" hikes over the icy, green valleys (whippings from a Dominatrix and a 'Golden shower' are more pleasureable), mountain-biking at temperatures under 3 degrees celsius causing ginormous shrinking of the penis and testicles (good for disgruntled wives betraying their husbands and not wishing to have sex with them during the holiday).

These are just a few of the alternatives to sipping pina- coladas on a Jamaican beach, voyeuring busty beach-babes in their tight tangas and generally feeling the warmth rise between one's crutch!

Sauerland/Kuhlschrank=Fridge is the perfect area for losing one's sexual drive, feeling pretty miserable and having constant hang-overs because there's fuck all else to do apart from getting pissed!

Here a few local colloquialisms for the tourist with a
low-level knowledge of the German language:

Sauerkraut = Long-faced miserable Germans waiting for the warm weather but stuck in the fridge all year!

Bratwurst Gross = Length of one's Dick in Jamaica

Bratwurst sehr Klein = Length of one's Dick after four hours in the saddle of a mountain-bike in Sauerland under 3 degrees.

Kleines Pils = small beer (certainly not enough to warm you up).

Grosses Pils x 10 = 10 large beers (oblivion and you don't know where you are, thank fuck!)

Grosses Pils x 10 + viel Schnaps = 10 large beers + Schnaps, (totally pissed, need 4 days to recover and by then one is on his way home, GOTT SEI DANK!)

Equivalent locations in Europe to be recommended for the sado-masochistic tourist =

Scottish Highlands / don't wear a kilt, it has the same effect as the mountain-bike!

Siberia in a Stalag camp / minus points, no German beers and the stench of rotting cabbage for dinner a put-off!

Iceland / once the major Kuhlschrank=Fridge of Europe but now due to volcanic outbursts, pack your bikinis and tangas in the suitcase!

Resumé: Sauerland better known as the Kuhlschrank (Fridge) of Germany should be avoided at all costs by normal people, "sado-masos" should have the time of their lives!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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