ISLAMABAD, PAKISTAN - Taliban leadership now retract a claim of credit for a plot using an SUV packed with explosive materials to kill Americans in Times Square, New York City.
The "correction" to the initial Taliban press release came several hours after pictures of bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad became public. A translation of the Internet video released by the Taliban follows (edited for brevity):
Hakimullah Mehsud (Taliban chief):
Peace be upon our righteous brothers of jihad ... We regret to inform the multitudes of faithful that we had NOTHING to do with the Times Square bombing attempt. We carried out a different SUV bombing. However, our video of the terrible and deadly explosion was lost when a piece of shrapnel split the camera in half.....
This Faisal Shahzad the Americans captured may look like someone who trained among the honored Waziristan mujahideen, but his round face betrays a glutton that would gorge on (indistinct) ... chilli-cheese-fries-and-bacon-bits when he was supposed to clean his AK-47. Everyone could recognize his weapon - it was the greasy one, covered with scraps of food. One day, the pig nearly lost his weapon when several animals began to drag it into their burrow.
This Faisal Shahzad could not have trained with our expert bomb-making jihadists. Rumors of an American coming to our camps to make explosives, but stealing detonator batteries so he could play with a (indistinct) ... PlayStation Portable ... are most exaggerated. Naturally, these video-game-things of Satan are evil beyond imagination. Truly, it would not be too harsh if a video-game-thing were to sprout a thousand razor-like teeth, maybe in the hands of Mr. Faisal Shahzad ... AND CHEW HIS F_CKING ARMS OFF TO LEAVE HIM CRYING IN POOLS OF HIS OWN BLOOD LIKE THE TOTAL LOSER THAT HE IS!!!!!
Last of all, the American government admitted this Faisal Shahzad was THEIR OWN CITIZEN..... America is the land of cheeseburgers and MTV and the video games. Therefore, not Pakistan ... but ONLY AMERICA could be home to the most stupid, most lazy, fattest, piece of cow-dropping such as Faisal Shahzad. We have ABSOLUTELY no connection to him, and anyone claiming such a connection exists shall face the wrath of a dozen ACLU lawyers and a United Nations' Human Rights Commission..... Thank you.