CCN (Crazy Cal News) - Washington, D.C. - Tea Party protesters gathered in Washington today to protest Earth Day which they claim is a "Liberul, Commie, Socialist, Marxist, Nazi" plot to destroy America and the Constitution. They carried signs, some of the more prominent being the following:
"Eurth Day is Marxist Burth Day"
"Globul Warming is a Commie Lie"
"Envirunmentulists are taking jobs frum America"
"Eerth Day is a Globul Guilt-Fest"
"Consurvashun Kills Jobs"
"Earth Day is a Obamanashun"
"Savin stuff is unconstitushunel"
"Earth Day takes away our rites"
"Earth Day comes frum Soshilist egucashun"
Spoof reporter Cal Jennings decided to ask some questions of the crowd to see what was on their mind and clarify some of the statements. Their names were withheld to prevent any more embarrassment than they caused with the misspellings in their signs.
Cal Jennings approached the first Tea Party Member:
Cal Jennings: How is Earth Day unconstitutional?
Tea Party 1: Well, it just is.
Cal Jennings: Can you give me an example?
Tea Party 1: Well, Fox News said it is and that's good enough for me.
Cal Jennings next approached another Tea Party Member:
Cal Jennings: What specifically bothers you about Earth Day?
Tea Party 2: Well, the kids are bugging me to throw my aluminum cans in a separate trash can and recycle them.
Cal Jennings: Don't you know that they pay you to take cans to a recycling center?
Tea Party 2: They do? Well, it's too much trouble. When I throw away my beer cans, I don't want to have to worry about which can I throw them in. It's taking away my freedom! It's UNCONSTITUTIONAL!
Cal Jennings: Which article of the Constitution is it violating.
Tea Party 2: The 1st Ammendment!
Cal Jennings: The 1st Amendment reads, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances." How is asking you to recycle your beer cans a violation of that Amendment? Besides, Earth Day isn't a law.
Tea Party 2: Well, it worked for campaign contributions by corporations, so I'm stickin' by it! Earth Day is just a Commie Socialist Marxist plot to help Obama make fishing illegal so he can throw us into Nazi prison camps and torture us. Next thing you know, he'll be firing up the ovens to burn us ALIVE!
Cal Jennings: That's what I like. A woman with convictions.
It's too early to tell if there is going to be a huge clash between the environmentalists and the Tea Party protesters, but The Spoof will try to keep you updated.