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Thursday, 15 April 2010

image for 20 Amazing Facts about Britain's Got Talent Another BGT contestant

With BGT hysteria about to descend on to our screens we decided to take a real look at the show. Here are 20 facts about the show and the panel;

1.BGT's panel of judges have about as much combined talent as a primary school for the deaf's Christmas play.

2.All acts are viewed first by a nameless panel. They then split the contestants in to two groups, one named 'ahhh could make Amanda cry' and the other 'Whitney Houston 2010.'

3.Simon 'Poo Poker' Cowell is a virile heterosexual who is not finally getting married simply to please his Mum. He also models his hair on Drago from Rocky IV.

4.It is true that Simon almost quite the show last year saying "I am sick of all these talentless t***s on my horizon, but he changed his mind and later apologised to Amanda and Piers for describing in that way.

5.Simon's endless charitable work has been likened to that of Ted Bundy. In fact Simon once said about his reluctance to marry "I don't want to end up like Ted Bundy," when we believe he meant Al Bundy the fictional oppressed married man on American TV.

6.Piers Morgan is to humility what a naked Susan Boyle is to a teen's wet dreams. Morgan is said to be so arrogant he makes Gordon Ramsey appear introvert.

7.Morgan was chosen to replace Cowell on America's got talent by none other than Cowell himself after he apparently tasted Simon's nuts at one of Simon's Chateau parties. Cowell refused to do America's Got Talent saying "Finding talent in Britain is hard enough but America! God I will be there all year!"

8.Morgan calls himself a 'modern day 'Alan Wicker' although many people consider him more of a poor man's Judith Chalmers but with smaller breasts! The legendry Chalmers once said "Piers Morgan's efforts to get the populace travelling compare to those of Chairman Mao."

9.Piers convinced ITV to back a show where he interviews stars from around the globe. His interviewing talents were later compared to those of Davina McCall.

10.Amanda Holden is to comedy what bin Laden is to world peace. Her Who's Who entry is a subsection of Les Dennis' page. In fact Les Dennis now refers to her as his 'booty call' and only then when he can't be bothered to throw one off!

11.Half of Holden's Wikipedia page is taken up by entries about how she expressed disappointment about an event. Clearly the author being Amanda struggled to justify her own entry.

12.Holden recently Tweeted that there are a number of fakes on Facebook claiming to be herself. We also came across a number of 'fakes' showing Amanda in various poses with fruit. Some even claimed to be from Les's own personal stash!

13.On her website there is a whole section for pictures of Amanda doing tireless charitable events. Unfortunately there is just one picture on display at present but she has promised to add more when she does some charitable work.

14.Amanda's recent comedy hit show called 'Big Top' has gone down in TV history as 'the show that singlehandedly closed Billy Smart's Circus. In fact it was so unfunny people have taken to playing it in the back ground at funerals.

15.In 1996 Ant and Dec had a huge hit record in South Korea with 'When I Fall in Love. There success was mainly down to the combined buying power of the nation's 'Lady Boy' contingent who views the pair as demigods.

16.In the US they are being sued for $30 million by the ever popular Greek comedian 'Ant' Kalloniates. Ant alleges they used his name in America after he had patented the name 'Ant.'

17.In 2009 Kelly 'I am famous for more than my boobs' Brookes told as many people that would listen, Ant and Dec demanded she be removed from the panel. There is no truth in the fact that she berated one or both of them for trying to feel her love pillows.

18.This year's BGT promises performing dogs, dancing midgets and tearful teens but that's just the presenters. There will also be the addition of bigger X's and louder buzzers so the contestants know when to f**k off.

19.Rumours are abound that the first BGT wedding is about to take place. Susan Boyle and Paul Potts are apparently to be wed sometime next year. They were to wed this year but the British Home Secretary obtained an injunction on the grounds the two may decide to have children. Paul is now planning the snip.

20.The bookies have already stopped taking bets on the 2010 winner fearing an Ant and Dec type fix. 'Hopo' the one legged cross will perform the hit Somewhere Over The Rainbow while spinning plates on his little black nose and the bookies suspect a canning.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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