Written by Lady Godiva
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Wednesday, 14 April 2010

image for Redecorating? Here are 10 tips to ensure your new look is even better than your old one. Decorating ideas - Recycle anything you can and clean up the crap

Ten ways to ensure your 'new look' is even better than your old one:

1. Throw garbage out before flies start to lay eggs in it and before stink gets too bad.

2. Don't invite ugly family members to your soirees.

3. Only use plastic cutlery and paper plates for family 'get togethers' NEVER when entertaining real friends.

4. Pick up dog crap from inside and outside on a regular daily basis, especially if the temperature rises above 20 degrees Celsius.

5. Check behind cushions on couches before visitors arrive and remove any smelly socks or dirty underwear stashed behind cushions.

6. Don't hang used tea bags up to dry in the kitchen. Hang them in the garden shed where no-one is likely to look.

7. Regularly scrape the green mould off cheese in case visitors drop in unexpectedly and want a cheese to nibble on.

8. Regularly wash 'male' dribbles off bathroom floor around toilet. No-one wants to step in them.

9. Make sure all Adult Magazines are well hidden in case friends with young children pop in uninvited.

10. Bathe regularly, clean teeth and wash hair. No-one likes a stinky 'host' or 'hostess'.

Follow these tips and you will be the 'host'/'hostess' with the mostest and no-one will look at the decor. If they DO they are 'shallow', 'materialistic' buggers and you don't need them in your life. Sod 'em all.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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