Written by Jon Stuart
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Friday, 10 June 2005

As not only a proud supporter of drinking and driving, I think that people make too big a deal out of drunk driving. Who reading this has not had a few drinks and has taken the option of driving? If you have you understand how much better it is. Not only do you save the extra $50 you would have paid for a taxi, but that extra $50 is now availble in getting your self more hammered.

Everybody does it too, even cops do it. Do you actually think a cop is going to tell his buddies "Hey guys, I had 1 martini, I shouldn't drive." NO, would you even want somebody like that protecting you? How is someone who is afraid to drive after one martini going to taze hippy ass? I would want a cop who can drink a botle of everclear and drive a Hummer( The H1, not that crappy suburban soccer mom H2 shit) home while hitting every single mail box along the way home, and if anybody gives him beef all he has to do is whip out his tazer and smell the fresh scent of burning skin.

Now I know some of you are goign to bitch about how drunk drivers have devistated your family or run over your poor kitten, dog, or 5 year old who choose to antagonize a drunk driver by playing a game of chicken on his little razor scooter. The drunk driver should not be held responsible for what should happen or who evers shit he should happen to run over. If I ever got hit by a drunk driver, I would never press charges, i would say " Hey, I understand. I've been in your shoes, lets go get a drink after I get some new skin grafted to my scarrred for life silly putty looking face, but this time I'll drive, cause you suck at drinking and driving."

Now, how about the cops that choose to pull you over when they see you swerving across a 5 lane highway at 3:00am in the morning. What is their problem? Their is nobody out there for me to hurt, let me get home in peace. Let me tell you, a whole lot of people would be sparred from a alcohol related deaths if we didnt have to worry about the cops stopping us every 30 seconds. Even if you HAVE to stop us, at least just let us get off with a small fine. I mean come on, you take away my licence, now I have to walk 1 block to go get hammered. Then as I stumble across 5 lanes of highway, you just HAVE to pull me over for public intoxication and exposing myself to several school children while urinating on a bums face. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

The only victims of drunk driving are the drivers themselves, we are just trying to get home to worship the porclien god and you have to give us such a hard time treating us like criminals when we are just regular guys who like to drink. LIKE REAL MEN.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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