Written by IN SEINE
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Tuesday, 13 April 2010

image for Molluscs "These muscles are relaxed!"

Researcher Peter Fong has given new meaning to the expression "happy as a clam." The Gettysburg College biologist stumbled onto the fact that molluscs reproduce at 10 times their normal rate if Prozac is dumped in the water.

Fong was pursuing research on the basic nervous system of fingernail clams when he discovered that if he dumped the antidepressant into the water, the clams would start reproducing madly.

"It's a piece of wonderful science and it sounds utterly ridiculous at the same time," Abrahams said.

Traffic was backed up almost to a standstill this morning as I drove to work.

I turned on the radio to listen to my favourite rock station but they were playing Rock-a-billy which I absolutely detest. So I decided to ram the dial for something better and happened to tune in a local talk show host who was ranting about government waste of funds on useless research projects.

He was objecting to congress funding a project to a team in Gettysburg, PA, that was feeding clams and other molluscs large doses of Prozac to determine its effect on these sea dwellers. He cited this as an example of government waste.

I immediately phoned him on my cellular phone and found myself on the air.

The host was very unhappy when I told him that this research was very important as it was essential to determine if Prozac was effective as a mussel relaxant.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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