Written by norma snockers
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Saturday, 3 July 2010

image for Synonyms For Masturbation For Men "Calling down for more Mayo!"

A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters

Auditioning the hand puppet

Badgering the witness

Beating the fuck out of your best friend

Beating the shit out of your incapacitated midget

Beating the snot outta Rotney

Beating the snotty end of my fuck stick

Blueball baseball

Calling down for more Mayo

Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis

Caping the crusader

Cheating on your other hand

Checking the plumbing

Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes

Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come

Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops

Committing mass spermicide

Decongesting the weasel

Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile

Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust

Dropping the kids off at the pool

Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell

Evicting the testicular squatters

Firing the presidential staff

Fishing for zipper trout

Five-finger discount

Flogging your dumber brother

Foreplay with Fistina

Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)

Freeing the hostages

Freeing Willy

Getting your palm red

Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie

Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine

Giving the seamen shore leave

Giving yourself a helping hand

Giving yourself a low five

Having a play date with your little friend

Having a puppet show in your pants

Having a staff meeting

Hitchhiking under the Big Top

Launching the morning missile

Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster

Making special sauce with frank and beans

Making the bald guy cry

Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up

Making the llama spit

Manhandling your man-handle

Milking the bull

Million sperm march

My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)

One-handed workout

Opening up a bottle of Squirt

Performing diagnostics on your ManTool

Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson

Playing the stand-up organ

Playing with Yoosef

Polishing the family jewels

Polishing the hot rod

Polishing the purple people pleaser

Practicing for the Big Game

Pulling the single serving soup dispenser

Rapid one arm pull-ups

Releasing the Olympic Doves

Riding the Great White Knuckler

Romancing the bone

Roughing the passer

Roughing up the suspect

Rubbing the Buddha for good luck

Running in single-user mode

Running off a batch by hand

Sanding the obelisk

Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram

Shaking hands with your wife's best friend

Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk

Shaking the hand of the self-employed

Shooting tadpoles at the moon

Shooting the pump action porridge gun

Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man

Spackling the ceiling

Spending some quality time with yourself

Spilling my children on my belly

Spit-polishing the purple helmet

Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie

Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko

Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber

Taking little Elvis to Graceland

Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm

Taking your turn at the self-serve pump

Target practice with the yogurt gun

Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker

Tenderizing the tube steak

Test-firing the meat missile

Testing the hand cream dispenser

Trolling for the one-eyed walleye

Tube sock tango

Warming up the altar boy's dinner

White-water wristing

Zygote spraying

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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