Written by Lady Godiva
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Monday, 5 April 2010

image for Mary Potter and the Tempest In Her Womb Part 1 Armo Gusofftopic before he grew his beard

Mary was resting under the shade of a large oak tree in the middle of Sherwood Forest. She'd run away from her family 24 hours earlier when she had first discovered she was pregnant.

Mother and father, although mere peasants working the land for Baron Gotgoober, would be distraught to find their only daughter a virgin no more.

It fleetingly crossed Mary's troubled mind to try going the 'immaculate conception route' but this notion disappeared from her mind as quickly as it had entered. Mary knew she wouldn't get away with that one, as her namesake Mary had done over l 000 years ago. Lucky sod!

People were much wiser now and Mary was much afeared.

She thought of turning to the man who had put a bun in her over, but he was too far away fighting for the king. His name was Sir Phookalot and he was as handsome as he was brave.

Night-time fell and Mary began to feel drowsy. She was just about to fall asleep when a strange little troll approached her. He had escaped from a place called 'Elsewhere'. The little troll began talking to Mary in a soothing voice.

"Don't be afraid my dear. I will help you in your time of need. If I can manage to escape those Subo Fanatics and dodge their many 'blessings' then I can surely help a maiden in distress."

Mary was indeed comforted by the words of this strange little troll and decided to put her trust in him. What had she to lose? She already had, forsooth and bejeesus, lost her cherry.

Mary explained her plight to the strange little troll who told her his name was Armo Gusofftopic. He listened intently, his pointy ears twitching, his eyes bright, nodding his large, over-sized head in acknowledgement of Mary's concerns.

He twiddled all the while with his long grey beard, picking out bugs with his long bony fingers and crunching the bugs between his teeth. He wiped their green slime from his lips with his stringy hair and picked their scales from between his teeth with the long pinky nail of his left pinky finger.

After hearing Mary's story he suggested that the next thing to do was for her to get some rest whilst he devised a plan that would solve Mary's problems.

Feeling confident in Armo Gusofftopic, she closed her weary eyes and settled into a peaceful sleep. She snored softly, her bosom rising and falling rhythmically as Armo cleaned out his pointy ears with his finger nails.

Armo then got to work, as he had promised, and started making notes in earnest and drawing maps in order to help this pretty young woman find a happy ending to her story.

Part 2 to be published soon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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