Written by Andy Lam
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Tuesday, 24 May 2005

I am big hearted and a sucker for a sob-story. Any time anyone is in any trouble, I am always the first to put my shoulder to the grindstone, grease my elbow or write a BIG FAT CHECK. Two years ago, one of my neighbor’s dogs ran away. I tried and tried to find it – going so far as to put my LAMcopter into action – but the dog was never found. Did I let this tragedy pass unnoticed? Of course not – I thought it a terrible thing for this one unfortunate family to be without a dog when so many around them had dogs. I decided to correct this sad problem.

Late one night, I dispatched several teams of black-robed agents who released everyone’s dogs. That way the first family wouldn’t feel sad anymore! Oh, what a wonderful genius I am! This story, as heartwarming as it is isn’t the purpose of this important missive. I am writing today in my guise as a clarion, calling people’s attention to savagery and injustice wherever it lies. In this case, I am turning my eagle-eye of RIGHT on an especially appalling example of dastardliness: CANADA.

Now I have been to many, many, many places on the earth (FRANCE among them); in outer space; in the deep, deep oceans; high in the sky; etc. But I have never been to CANADA. In part, this is because getting to CANADA is apparently very difficult. It s a long trip and one needs so many shots (and I am afraid of DRs (except Dr. Pepper, I really like that soda. In fact, I like it so much, that I bathe in it from time to time. You’ve not lived if you’ve never plunged into a tub filled with cold, carbonated and frothy Dr. Pepper.)), you also have to cope with the language and cultural barriers. Of all of the exotic places I have seen, none seems to match up with what I hear about CANADA.

Let me provide you with a short list of the appalling conditions that define CANADA:

They have to eat ponies
They can’t play horseshoes
Lawn darts are still legal there
Ice is illegal – unless you harvest it yourself
Things that creak are feared
Muffins may not have nuts
No one can own a television
Coughing is the only competitive sport
Shaving can only be done in public
Moths are the national bird
They are trained to hate and fear foreigners
They hide their ignorance with fleece
In fights, they immobilize their victims with stun rays
When they are in their larval stage, they can be defeated with a succession of rapid blinks
There is no electricity in CANADA
CANADIANS hate nuns
Jello comes in only two flavors – salt and pepper – and both taste terrible
People are taxed for everything: eating, sleeping, breathing, allowing their blood to circulate, having neurons fire in their brains, blinking, sweating, digesting, eliminating their bowels, etc.

In short, CANADA = TERROR

In my wonderfulness, I am trying to unshackle these poor wretches. I at first considered mounting an invasion but then realized that this would be seen as bad form – I mean, I am ANDY LAM! after all and I don’t want to be viewed as a bully or a tyrant. Instead, I have decided to wear a pin. It says “Be Nicer CANADA.” I am vowing to wear this pin forever until CANADA is nicer.

It would be good if you wore a pin (or something) that said “Be Nicer CANADA.” Now I understand that a pin is a big commitment (and a huge expense) so you might consider writing it on a piece of paper and holding it up from time to time. I have a piece of paper that says “Be Nicer CANADA” and I hold it up several times a day (always facing north, because that is where CANADA is in relationship to me). You will need to consult a MAP (which is a diagram of geographical features set in two-dimensions) to determine where CANADA. Please face it (CANADA) when you hold up your piece of paper that says “Be Nicer CANADA.”

Why should you face CANADA with your piece of paper? So that the evil CANADIAN KING will see them and feel ashamed about how mean he is. This is the only way to deal with TYRANTS!!! Use paper to make them feel bad. I have other slogans that I might use, but I won’t share them with you – some of them are pretty strong. My crew and I will be making more signs this weekend. We will wear our pins and hold our signs and face north. We will wear our pins and face north until the CANADIA oppression STOPS!

I am strong – not weak – and I will stand and stand and stand until time shall be no more!! I will not let the CANADIAN people SUFFER ALONE. I will suffer too!!! It will be just like the neighborhood dogs – if one family is DOGLESS – ALL MUST BE DOGLESS!!!! I heart with a line through it CANADA but I heart CANADIANS!

Imagining a sad maple leaf, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!!!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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