Written by p.doff
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Tags: gift, Rubbish

Thursday, 25 March 2010

image for Useless Gifts 6 : The Can Crusher

Honey? I need a favour... You drink a lot of lager and cans of cider. I got a letter from the council saying that if we didn't start crushing of those cans when we put out the recycle stuff they would turn our property into the newest landfill area and possibly set our house on fire with burning garbage.

But, you see, the problem is that I have a lot of trouble stamping on a can to make it flat. If only there was some kind of invention to help weak, borderline retarded pussies such as myself properly dispose of aluminum cans... I know! Check this out - an Aluminum, Can Crusher! This is just what I need! Please buy this for me honey (don't forget about the 16 oz. model!), and I'll promise to get you that new wife you've been wanting so badly!"

Honestly, this is retarded. As much a fan as I am of making her earn her keep (I can't even type that with a straight face), she doesn't need this. If crushing a lager can is so goddamned hard, you shouldn't be married to an 8-year-old, you fucking pervert.

And this is definitely the type of gift you'd see an inept husband give his shrill wife on the wedding anniversary episode of a shitty sitcom (like Everybody Loves Raymond - I know it was cancelled but it's still being shown on Sky though and it sucks balls). That, right there, should tell you how goddamned stupid you are for even considering this shit. Someone doesn't want any **** for the next six months.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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