In my interviews called 'Tell us the truth' I meet with Rimmer Romesfeld - Press Officer of some 15 years with the CIA.
I asked - Is it true Afghan police have inadvertently caught Osama bin Laden on a road heading to Kandahar?
"All I can say is that last week a beardy little tosser was apprehended for a broken tail light on his scooter. We stop them all time especially if they look a little wide around the middle. You see the locals don't get to feed on hamburgers here and so are usually thin as shit. Spot a fatty and chances are he's wearing a semtex girdle!
On this occasion he looked like any other 'beardy' but upon closer inspection the Police noticed he was carrying an RPG on the back of his scooter. Now this on its own is not unusual here but when they stopped him and read an inscription on it, it said 'Happy Birthday Binny yours forever, Saddam XX. They became a little suspicious at this point and decided to call us - thank God!"
Where is he now I asked? Romsfeld went on, "We brought him in for questioning and to begin with he gave us the usual crap about 'popping out to get a bottle of Merlot, a Chinese takeaway and how he found the RPG by the side of the road but after a little water-boarding he opened up."
Has he admitted to being bin Laden I asked Romsfeld? "Not yet but he will. Agent Smith has had the prisoner's head down the toilet since Monday but at first his head gear got stuck in the bowl. We had to call a plumber and everything. There was water everywhere."
Just then we heard the distinct sound of a toilet flushing and what followed sounded like garbled Arabic! Sounds like the investigation is continuing then.