Written by Andy Lam
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Tags: Spring, Youth

Tuesday, 10 May 2005

image for Andy Lam – He likes the ladies Cassanova - an early incarnation of ANDY LAM!?

Hello, hello, hello, hello! Andy Lam here, with SEASON’S GREETINGS!!!! “What season?,” you may be wondering -- SPRING TIME, when a young man’s FANCY turns to LOVE. Ah, yes, that oh so wonderful FOUR LETTER WORD.

While my YOUTH may be suspect, my VIRILITY cannot be called into question, no, not by a LONG SHOT. Nor, frankly, can my readiness to worship at the alter of APHRODITE!! And so here I am, in the SPRING TIME, reflecting on the wonderful world of romance.

Now, I’ll bet you are wondering, “hey, how can I get some ANDY LAM-style ACTION with the LADIES?”. (Ladies, I can only help you so much, but one thing you MAY want to consider is contacting me, ANDY LAM, for a ROMANTIC rendezvous – hubba hubba.)

Here is some of the WISDOM I have collected in my years at a LADIES MAN:

Ladies dig the exotic. That’s right, the less you are like what they expect, the better. Now there are three ways of achieving this exoticism:

1) Be from an exotic locale. This is GREAT if you are really from someplace unusual. I am fortunate in that I was raised by shepherds and then by nuns. This gives me an odd FLAIR that women find IRRISISTABLE. Not everyone is as LUCKY as ANDY LAM though so consider TACTIC TWO

2) Affectation. This is a too-often overlooked arrow in the quiver of love. There are many great examples of exotically romantic MEN that you can model yourself on – and some that are fully unexpected. For example, I sometimes assume the identity of ABRAHAM LINCOLN. Wearing a tall STOVEPIPE hat and a black FROCK COAT, I launch into thoughtful discourses about the SACRED nature of the AMERICAN UNION; the LADIES LOVE IT. If historical figures are NOT YOUR BAG, you can select a RACE or ETHNICITY that you think will WOW the LADIES. I find that if I PUT ON a POLISH accent and act CONFUSED in large DEPARTMENT STORES – WHAMO!, - there are LASSIES all about looking to get to know more about ANDY LAM(ski!)!

3) Cultivate radically unpredictable behaviors. Nothing is more STULTIFYING than routine. And nothing says routine more than doing the SAME things in the SAME way for day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day after day. It just gets MONOTONOUS. So here’s MY advice. Do everything differently EVERY TIME. Here’s what I mean.

You wear shoes, right? So do I. Now my shoes can be tied – and ONCE in a while, that is OK. But it gets BORING!!!! So here’s my shoe fastening regimen:
a. Day 1 – Tie
b. Day 2 – Glue
c. Day 3 – Tape
d. Day 4 – Socks over shoes
e. Day 5 – Wire
f. Day 6 – Magnets (this is tricky but IT CAN WORK!!)
g. Day 7 – Mashed potatoes
h. After 7 days, I either THROW AWAY the shoes or I repeat the existing fastening techniques in a random order.

Shoes are one thing (actually, they are TWO THINGS (unless you have either no legs or just one leg)), but everything can be altered – your attire, hygiene, language, income level, religious fervor, hair color, skin tone, vocal register, musculature, dentition, percentage body fat, skeletal structure, educational background, degree of courtesy, first language, etc. Varying these things on a regular basis will REALLY make you seem like a SPECIAL catch!!

Here’s another tip – if at FIRST you DON’T succeed, pick the LOW-HANGING fruit. By this, I mean go after CHICKS that the other guys are TOO STUCK UP to go after. Fashion models, life guards, actresses, singers, etc. all need LOVE too and they are often the FIRST LADIES I go after. Let those other dodos try for the “girl next door,” ANDY LAM goes for the GLAMOREST GIRLS in the WORLD!!! I start by reading PEOPLE MAGAZINE very carefully to figure out which LADY IS THE HOTTEST. Then, I write her a letter or an email. Usually, once they realize that ANDY LAM is on the case, they swoon and DEMAND that I meet with them POST HASTE!!!

It is a blessing and a curse to be as HOT and IN DEMAND as I am, but it is a burden that I am will (and able) to bear. Once said GLAMOR GIRL says “COME HITHER”, I don my EXOTIC attire, hone my randomness skills and show up unannounced. If you have the time, I want to share ONE example with you:

A famous FILM STAR (who’s modesty I respect and so whom shall remain nameless) and I corresponded for a time. After a few of my POTENT PARAGRAPHS, this lady was ablaze with ardor and begged that I come to her. Being a gentleman, I had no choice but to comply, but how would I best present myself to this woman? How would I create the MOOD and IMPRESSION needed in this situation?

I started with a through study of her oeuvre and noticed that in all of her career she had never starred in a SCI-FI movie. So I had my EXOTIC HOOK, I would pose as an ASTRONAUT. To spice things up, I decided the be a LATINO astronaut – which would allow me to use my most hottest SPANISH accent. Finally, I thought that by BEHAVING like MOTHER THERESA I could add an unpredictability that this woman would find irresistible.

Like a great chef, I mixed all of these ingredients together to create a WONDERFUL ROMANTIC WARRIOR ready for love’s sweet conquest. So attired and prepared, I boarded a bus for HOLLYWOOD! The trip across the country took only SIX DAYS and when I arrived, she fell into my arms – proving yet again that absence does make the heart grow fonder!!

Being a gentleman, I will not go into the details of our LOVE, but trust it was of a nature extolled by the poets. When it came time to part, she was crest-fallen. I am not a callous man though, and so I gave her one of my SPACE GLOVES to remember me by.

I hope that these words and stories will be helpful to you as you endeavor to find LOVE in this season of ROMANCE; and remember ladies, if you would like to discover the ROMANTIC side of ANDY LAM!, you only need ask . . .

Ready to DON any of the many costumes of Don Juan, I am . . .

ANDY LAM!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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