Written by Lady Godiva

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Tags: UK

Thursday, 18 March 2010

image for Homesick for Middlesbrough and missing Chubby Brown I miss my 3 brothers. One's a Bobby

This writer is homesick for her home town of Middlesbrough, England.

I was recently told, by a fellow Yorkshire person (or so I thought), who still lives over there, but in Scotland, that I was no longer a Yorkshire lass. This greatly upset me because I had a tattoo of the Yorkshire White Rose emblem recently placed proudly on my right ankle.

I was so upset at being told Middlesbrough was no longer in Yorkshire that I had to Google it on Wikipedia. I wiped my teary eyes and began to smile as I read that Middlesbrough is indeed considered part of Yorkshire. OK, Middlesbrough is an 'Honorary Member', but we belong. So I can keep my tattoo.

I've been reading some of the news in the Evening Gazette lately. (I left Middlesbrough to come to Canada in 1982.)

I was saddened by the news I read today that my favourite comedian, Chubby Brown had recently been in court, but heartened to read that he 'got off', I drank a beer to celebrate his good fortune.

Then I began reminiscing. I remembered the days when, long ago, Chubby had wanted to buy a house on Brass Castle Lane. That's a posh area. The neighbours were up in arms and decided to keep him out by putting their cash together and buying the house he'd wanted.

Now they rent it out to prostitues for hourly rates. They feel this is much more acceptable for the neighbourhood than having Chubby Brown amongst them.

But Chubby gets his own back on 'the tossers' as he has a second profession now (when his comedy appearances allow) and has become a pimp as well as a 'John'.

He visits the 'house' regularly and doffs his hat at his 'would-have-been-neighbours' as he alights from his Rolls Royce, dressed in a fake-fur ankle-length coat, champagne in hand, slut on arm, bestowing greetings to the residents, true Chubby style, complete with a sprinking of four-letter words.

They have no choice but to accept this situation and humbly agree that they brought it on themselves. When asked if they'd considered 'selling the house', their spokesman, Mr. Don Averclue, answered.

"No, we have far too much pride. We're sticking with our original decision. Plus most of the fellas on the street are knocking on a bit now and we like looking at the 'ladies' that use the house - sorry, I mean visit the house. It's the only pleasure we have these days because most of us can't swing our golf clubs anymore. . But don't quote me coz the wife'll go kicking off at me again."

Then there's my beloved football team The 'Boro. Bless 'em. Dropped out of the EPL last season. Poor sods. Mind it's their own bloody fault. They should have played better. I'm hoping they get promoted though, because that's the only way I get to see them on telly in Canada.

My brother's a local Bobby and I am so proud of him. He's locked up at least one of the kids I taught when I first started teaching in the '70s. (Probably MORE if the truth be known). I blame myself really, I'm sure I could have done more for that one lad (now a man). Maybe if I'd allowed him to go with us on the end of the year school trip when he was 9, he wouldn't have turned to a life of crime.

You see, he'd been playing hooky from school for the 2 weeks leading up to the trip, then turned up the day before the trip with his 5 pence. His big brother brought him to school and handed me the 5 pence. I was so mad that I gave the 5 pence back and said the little 'un wasn't going on any trip with me.

Needless to say, the 9 year old wasn't seen in school for another couple of weeks but was seen shoplifting at the local 'Boots'...at the make-up counter. I saw it with my own eyes but figured I'd punished him enough by not letting him go on the trip so I didn't report him. It was a Saturday so I figured he was doing some 'shopping' for his mam.

Memories come flooding back.

I miss Middlesbrough, but they keep changing it and I can't go downtown now by myself. I tried it once when I was 'over 'ome and got completely lost so flagged down a taxi to take my to my mam's where I always stay on my visits. So now I always take a family member with me when I go 'down town'. Mind you, Middlesbrough's looking great these days.

Talk to you later.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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