P: Hi Susan, how the devil are you? This is Piers!
S: Piers who?
P: Hahaha - Piersy Baby
S: The only Piersy Baby I know is my teddy bear and he hasn't mastered the telephone yet.
P: But I bet he is a cute curly-haired cuddly little guy.
S: Well, not since I stuck the pins in various parts. I have just left him on the shelf for now. What do you want?
P: I wanted to make sure you noticed I have mentioned you in my Sunday column a few times. I haven't seen you mention me lately.
S: Since all you do is point out what a symbol I am to the world, I didn't think you were expecting any response of a personal nature. In one column you say I don't care about my ranking or how much money I am making, and then in the next one you say my ambition is without bounds, so I am not really sure what to think. And then attribute it to your mother. I don't believe ambition is a word I have ever used. Makes me sound as ruthless and self-centered as you-and that is impossible. I have just tried to find a place in the world for myself, and unlike you I am who I was born to be now. You are the one out chasing trophies.
P: But they are complimentary, and you saw I also told off the Brits for not nominating you and Elaine Paige for saying nasty things.
S. I don't believe what they said about Elaine, and I really don't care about the Brit awards. I am soooo past that now. Britain has to be very, very important to you, but I have the whole world in my hands now, especially America, but also Europe and Japan and Australia.
P: Er, um. But you noticed I put you way up there at position 37. That was pretty good for a little old lady from a small village wasn't it?
S: Speaking of old. Have you looked in the mirror lately? No more baby-faced dreamy looking guy there now-just a stick insect with practically no hair and a receding hairline.
P: My fiancée likes it!!
S: Probably because it makes you look more like her father did at your age. He is the only one she really loves, you know. From what I hear, they are very much alike, so you must be on very good terms with him.
P: Er, um
S: And as for being number 37, you have put me behind a whole lot of women whose only talent is taking their clothes off, (Katie Price, Amanda Holden, Amy Winehouse??) so I am not really flattered. Most of my fans are turning against you because of that. I don't do computers, but my PA tells me fans on my website and fan forums are abandoning you like rats off a sinking ship this week. I guess since you are so well known now, you don't really need them any more than you need ME now.
Is that all you wanted?
P: No, no - since you are going to be moving to London, I thought maybe we could set up a date for that dinner I promised you last year.
S: Thank you for remembering, Piers, but I am afraid I am booked for every meal or snack I might possibly have in London for at least the next 10 years. And if a meal does open up, I will be with Andy. I really like Andy. And Simon, too. They are my kind of men. They actually do things for me. I have been talking to Simon and Mish about singing at their wedding this summer. She is a real sweetheart, too-very friendly and bubbly. Simon also mentioned singing on the finals show for BGT as well. I am not sure - 6 months. I might not be doing public appearances then-probably be in the recording studio only.
P: I hope you can sing for BGT-the whole world wants to hear you.
S: I understand that the Finals last year was the most watched of any show all year-guess you want those ratings again.
P: I have a wedding coming up you could sing for as well. There are no ratings there.
S: I am so sorry, but I will be out of the country then.
P: But I haven't told you a date.
S: Whatever the date, I will be out of the country.
P: Susan, I think you are angry with me, but I am still very proud of you, you know.
S: Thank you very much, Piers. I wish I could return the compliment.
P: I am also very, very fond of you sweetheart, and I am not married yet you know.
S: Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.
P: Now you know you don't really mean that, Susan.
….Susan? Are you there? Hello - Darling?
Oh, hang on, I think she hung up on me.