(NB-This posting concerns medical marijuana and is intended as an advisory for legitimate patients who want to grow their own medicine. If you're not deathly ill with some hideous disease, you may not read this material under pain of, uh, some awful consequence. Forewarned is forearmed.)
On Gardening Skills
Okay, so you've been to the pot dispensary and learned that the stuff sells for $500 an ounce and you use two ounces a month. That's twelve grand a year and that's way too much to spend on weed. Naturally, you'd like to spend less and you can simply by growing your own stash and that's where I come in.
Before you start your own mini-farm you need to know a lot of things about farming, the law, potential potnappers, outwitting the gendarmes, etc. One of those things is that really good pot isn't easy to grow. You need the skills of Luther Burbank, a grow space, privacy, and lots of luck. Even then, you might get scrawny plants, weak pot, and arrested.
Let's start with the cops. If they catch you growing marijuana they'll seize your house and sell it under the drug seizure laws. To prevent that happening, grow your pot behind your neighbor's garage so if they find it they'll seize his house and not yours. This isn't fair, of course, but don't feel bad. You didn't make that asinine law, did you?
So, look for neutral ground. If you grow pot in the woods you'll need some booby traps to stop poachers. Shotguns rigged to blow guys' legs off are very popular. Some people prefer cleverly concealed pits with sharpened stakes to impale pot thieves and others use army surplus land mines. Send for my pamphlet titled How to Rig Effective Booby Traps. The cost is one fat doobie and a roach to cover the tax.
If you're growing in your home keep a wary eye on your pets, as many of them are covert potheads and will eat your plants in a trice. My own cat Sam taught me that lesson when I put six clones along the doorwall for the morning sun and she ate them leaves, stems, and latent THC. There is a video of the crime in progress. See YouTube under Grandpa Ganja for my video Grandpa Ganja's Marijuana Handbook (the movie). It's also on Reefer Madness (colorized version).
If your cat should eat your plants, you may have to smoke your cat.
Use only Grandpa Ganja's Own GroPot fertilizer especially designed for pot plants. Send 4 fat joints for a ten-gallon sanitized plastic drum with enough fertilizer for 1,000 plants. There is a refundable deposit on the plastic drum.
To prevent fertilization, you have to kill all male plants as soon as you find them. For one thing, the males aren't very good pot to start with. The females are better with lots more THC in them, but if they get fertilized they put all their energy into making seeds and flowers and that makes weaker marijuana for you. So kill those male plants!
If you can't tell the males from the females (it's a bit tricky) you'll have to put each plant in a room by itself. You can tell the plants apart because the males have little green balls on them just before they mature. Pull those plants. The female plants have tiny, hairy pistils that look like strings. Those are the keepers.
So learn how to tell 'em apart or you'll need at least a forty-room house to grow a little pot.
You can get high-grade pot seeds from the Hells Angels-but don't tell them where your garden is. While most Hells Angels are men of honor, a few of them are not trustworthy.
Keep a sharp eye out for pests. Be especially watchful for the notorious pot eating bugs-that's their scientific name. I tried to poison 'em but pot makes 'em impervious to poison.
You have to pluck 'em off the plants with pliers one at time and it's not easy because they hang on real tight.
Have a care, though. Pot eating bugs can jump off the plant and kick a man to death. I saw it happen once. Hundreds of the critters jumped on this guy and he ended up with hundreds of little bumps all over his body. They had to iron the poor guy's skin to make him presentable in his coffin.
Actually, the best plan is to pull the plants out, roll them up in fat joints, and smoke them bugs and all. That way you can get high and ingest healthful protein at the same time.
And watch out for your freeloading friends. You'll be very popular around harvest time. Tell them that Henny Penny story again. People who who don't help grow pot don't share in the harvest.
Then there's always the matter of pot thieves. If you grow pot in your backyard, you'll have to fend off the local tokers who'll try to steal it from you.
You need to be extra alert as harvest time draws near. Set up an alarm system. Put some stones in tin cans and tie 'em to a trip wire. The thief hits the wire, you hear the stones rattling in the cans, and you spring
up with your shotgun and fill the asshole full of buckshot.
I'm a pacifist myself and I wouldn't kill anybody. But if a pot thief is standing where I'm about to shoot, why, then it's his fault.
I had a dozen plants in my yard and I caught some kids peeking over the fence casing the joint. I knew they're pot smokers because they all had little holes in their shirts from burning pot seeds. They were waiting for the plants to mature before they made their move, but nobody steals Grandpa Ganja's pot, I'll tell you that.
I sent for an Electro-Zapper. You wire the thing to the plants and anybody touches 'em and bam! they get hit with 10,000 volts and knocked into the middle of next week.
Some people say it's illegal to electrocute neighborhood kids. Oh, yeah? Well, it's also illegal to steal an old man's pot, that's what I say. Once I fry 3 or 4 of 'em the rest will get the message and leave my pot the
Will 10,000 volts kill 'em? I hope so. Serve 'em right. We should make pot stealing a capital offense as there are few worse crimes known to man.
Kids today are out of control. They don't care if I go blind by the weekend because they stole my pot. They have no scruples. When I was a kid we never stole anybody's pot plants. We respected property rights then.
Anyway, the Electro-Zapper went bad on me and I had to send it back. I traded it in for a snare-trap kit. It came with a rope and a stick to beat the thief like
a pinata but that didn't work out, either.
I did catch a guy one night and the snare hung him upside-down just like it was supposed to, but the rope broke and he grabbed the stick that came with the
kit and beat the crap out of me. I'm suing the snare-trap people for a million bucks and a new rope.
Finally, cover your roof with aluminum foil to foil police choppers using heat detectors to spot your grow lights. In fact, I've even heard the narcs can drive down the street and detect heat from your grow lights right thru the walls. If that's true, you may have to wrap your entire house in aluminum foil.
And remember, the foil goes on the inside. It may attract attention if you wrap the outside of the house in aluminum foil.